Know Your Worth

I am nice, probably too nice sometimes. I don’t hold grudges. I get over things and forgive pretty quickly. I focus on future and the positive and try to avoid any conflict. I try to follow the motto of treating others how I want to be treated. The truth is, no one can take advantage of you unless you allow them. If you are feeling used, disrespected, or as a last resort when people have nothing else to do, then it is up to you to address it, because no one else will. What you allow will continue. I often give people I like more chances than I should and I have tried to be more vocal and speak up for myself recently. It has been empowering and also helps save a lot of time. No second guessing or over-analyzing necessary when you have addressed something that bothers you and they acknowledge it. Then you can just sit back and wait to see if they are sincere in their apology and will try to do better or if they are just going through the motions. I mean, let’s be clear, an apology means nothing if the behavior continues right?

Sometimes it is hard to walk away from someone because it can be easy to see potential, but potential is usually just a facade we create upon first impressions. Actions speak louder than words and often people tell who they want to be but not necessarily who they are. A great potential friend that can listen and be supportive but is never on time and breaks plans last minute can be disappointing. When a person breaks plans or never makes plans, does not keep their word, is hit and miss in your life and seems indifferent about it, then they are probably not worth your time. Frequent apologies are a mark of a person who just doesn’t give a shit. If you know this is something that will only build resentment within you then you should be honest with yourself and back away from that relationship. If you hang in then you are setting yourself up for a pattern of constant disappointment. It is sad and frustrating but true.

I have experienced this in my life with both friends and in dating. They can have so many things you love but being on time and making and keeping plans is very important to me. I understand that things can happen and few minutes late is forgivable, but consistent failure to show up is just disrespectful, selfish and hurtful. Everyone has busy lives, to pretend your busy life allows you to be the exception to the rules of common courtesy just makes you an ass. Don’t make excuses for these people, if a person can truly see the error of their ways then they will come to you and apologize stating what they did wrong and make a sincere effort not to let it happen again. They will also try harder to be respectful if they see there is a situation where it could. To let it happen and just apologize for it after the fact is a cop out. Punctuality may not be an issue for you but you know yourself well enough to know what bothers you on a deeper level so don’t sweep it under the rug and say its fine when it is not. You have a responsibility to respect yourself first because if you don’t how can you expect anyone else to respect you?

You are worthy of being treated well. You are worthy of an explanation and sincere apology if someone is about to disappoint you or has disappointed you. You are worthy of being a priority and someone taking the time to make plans with you and show up and be excited to spend time with you. You are worthy of voicing your opinion and feelings, being heard and having expectations for how you want to be treated. You are also worthy enough to be okay with walking away if someone is unable to meet those expectations. What we are discussing here are not super high expectations, they are the bare minimum basic building blocks of any healthy relationship. If a person in your life is not willing to give you at least the foundation building blocks then you have nothing to build upon. Be honest with yourself and know when to walk away. Know your worth.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Your Capacity to Love

I used to think loving someone was pretty much a black or white thing. Either you loved them or you didn’t. I hated to hear people say, I love you but I am not in love with you. I understood there was love of family, love of friends, and then romantic love, but I didn’t really believe romantic love could also have different levels. Over time, after one marriage and two long term relationships, I realize the level of love or the ability of love one is able to give can grow exponentially over time. I believe, along with life experiences, knowledge and growth within ourselves, and learning to love who we truly are can give us the ability to love differently in each relationship we choose.

I had young love when I married young and had my daughter. Then I had another level of love in the next relationship that felt deeper and after a few years I found another love that changed me over time. I know that I was still learning and growing and those relationships could not or would not grow with me for one reason or another and they ended. Now I have been out of my last long term relationship for a year. I have dated but as many of us do, I tried to be more open minded like my friends suggested and dated guys that I would not typically choose. I quickly realized I should probably listen less to my friends, as helpful as they were trying to be, and just do what feels right for me.

At this point in life I feel that I am on the right track with what I want in life and have a good idea of the type of man I can see myself with. Looking back I can see how the things I once desired in a relationship have changed and I am thankful for the experiences I have had that have helped me gain clarity. Priorities often change with age. Our ability to love is based on so many things and sometimes people can really love you but their capacity to love is limited….this could be for many reasons. Abuse, maturity level, inability to heal from a past heartbreak, childhood trauma, lack of experience or understanding, emotional immaturity, lacking communication and/or social skills…all of these things can be factors that affect a persons capacity to love.

I have cleared the decks and removed all interested from my past and present to center on one man who seems to be many of the things I desire, but it takes time to know for sure. I have rushed into things before full of hope and I have learned that it never turns out good. So I will be patient, listen, observe, and see how he treats me, does he make time for me, does his actions match his words? Is he respectful, is he trying to communicate and show emotional maturity, can he apologize and admit when he is wrong and commit to doing better? Does he make me laugh and smile? Is he supportive of my hopes and dreams and does he openly share with me his own? Does he think of me in his busy day and let me know I am on his mind and does he ask about me and my day? These are things that most women would say they desire in a relationship and they seem pretty simple, but it is amazing to me how often they are missing from the beginning and we make excuses or exceptions for them.

It is important to understand where a persons capacity for love is and if it is a match for you. The truth is, most women naturally have a higher capacity for love than men, so keep that in mind. We are nurturers and even chemically connect once a sexual encounter has occurred. Men are not wired the same, connection for them happens differently. Slow movers are not necessarily a bad thing. Sexual chemistry is great and necessary but in order to have a truly fulfilling and lasting relationship it must go deeper. Today adults have so much to navigate, so understanding busy work schedules, shared custody of children, going back to college schedules and study time for a higher degree, taking care of a home and any pets, time for self-care and health, family and friends….by the time you factor all of those things in to a new relationship it leaves very little time to get to know someone. So often late night phone calls or texting can happen, but you don’t want this to become the basis of communication (especially texting). The patterns you set in the beginning will be hard to break if the relationship begins to grow.

The desire to find a loving partner is often stated, but the desire to work for a good relationship is where many fail. Love does not come easy, it is a choice to love someone and the effort you are willing to put in says a lot about your capacity to love. Get your priorities straight and make room for that relationship if it is something you truly desire. Love, family, career, and home are what many find most important in life, which areas could you be putting more effort into? Are you making time to nurture a new relationship and learn and grow or are you just going through the motions? Be honest with yourself on what you want and the effort you are willing to put in, know your capacity to love.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Be Patient

Many of us have to work hard to be patient in life. This is a world of instant gratification and long bucket lists of things people want to see, do, and have. Often, people go through dating a few people and may find a person they are with for a few years and then once that relationship ends they move on, and they still have expectations they cling to. This often happens when we are older and more clear on what we are looking for. It is important to remember that each new person is a whole new process and you must start from the very beginning. Just because you may have been further along in your mindset with the last person doesn’t mean you get to start at that point with the next person. You have to hit the reset button and not rush in to things. Rebounds and moving too soon can get people into complicated situations that are not only frustrating but can be hurtful. It takes time to really know a person authentically.

If you are separated but not divorced, or in the process of a divorce, or maybe you are just discussing divorce and unhappy in your relationship/marriage…please do the world a favor and finish that before you try to date. If you cannot fully be present with the person you are trying to date because of loose ends in another relationship then you are basically being selfish. It takes a strong individual to push aside their own wants and needs and do things right, but isn’t that the whole point? End the unhappiness you are currently in and realign so that you can do better. The point is to admit you are outgrowing the current relationship, learn from it, and resolve to move forward making wiser decisions.

I do believe you can have chemistry very quickly and a chemical reaction like lust can feel so strong that you lose logic. When someone is hurting from a recent break they long to find those things they have been missing. This can cause a person to latch on to aspects of a person without fully taking the time to know all of them. Sometimes it isn’t physical, it can be more of a mental connection that draws you in. The goal is to get to know every aspect of the person and this takes time and patience. Physical aspects of a relationship can happen fast leaving us to navigate deeper conversations later and that is not always a bad thing. If the physical chemistry is fantastic then you have something to build on. Obviously, sex isn’t everything but it is an important part of a healthy relationship.

Good relationships are built on a good foundation. It takes time to establish trust, support, respect, understanding, teamwork, friendship, and mutual goals with another person. You can’t jump in all willy-nilly judging someone from your own past or what you get at face value. You have to get to know them and their own story to fully understand if the potential for a future is there. Enjoy the process by having fun with the occasional calls, texts, dates, and other adventures and you will begin to see their true colors in a few months time, if not sooner! Patience is most definitely a virtue when it comes to dating!

With love, health, and happiness

Stacy

Lesson’s Learned

Sometimes I find myself making decisions on people and then after some time passes I reconsider and let them back in my world only to be reminded why I let them go the first time.  There are people who bring us lessons and people who bring us blessings in life and there are some that may do both.  Those that bring a bit of a lesson and a blessing can be the most frustrating and confusing, forcing you to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  What is the end-game?  Is this a person who brings much joy to your life or more negativity? Law of attraction will sometimes bring people into our lives when we are not in a great place. Water seeks its own level.  We feel a connection to another person that fits the whole “misery loves company” mantra but then, if we are smart, we work our way out of the misery.  Then what happens when the other person does not leave the misery?

This may leave you feeling obligated to help pull that other person out of their situation, because , well…they helped you in your hard time.  However, this is not how it is meant to be.  The truth is, if you were able to make the choices to pull yourself out of the low point and move forward, then so can they.  Do the counseling, make the hard choices, work on yourself, but don’t latch on to another for validation or completion, not in friendships or romantic relationships.  Asking another individual “what do you want me to be” is the wrong question to be asking.  The real question is what do you want to be, or better yet, who do you want to be? Laying that kind of pressure on another person is not only wrong but it leaves yourself looking insecure and needy.  Many confuse this kind of complete vulnerability with love and it is not.  Illusions of that kind of love often leads to a never-ending rotation of unfulfilling relationships with people who are looking to be completed by another individual.  I don’t know about you but I want someone who is already complete and happy in life on their own!

Learning that the ups and downs we are experiencing in life can attract these lessons or blessings people can help us be more aware of why and be rational about our expectations.  I truly believe people, places, and things are attracted to us at certain times and give us feedback on what path we may need to take.  Personally, my eyes were opened to a deep need for communication and conversation and I quickly found that connection.  However, as I became more aware of what I was missing it helped me move out of my unhappy situation and grow to realize there were even more things I had been missing and I began to find those things in others along my path as well.  If you keep going and growing eventually you reach a person who is on a similar path. Your friends want to do things that excite you, letting you know that they are on the same path.  If you find certain people boring, annoying, or overly negative, then those are probably people you attracted at a low point and are now outgrowing.  Life is a constant cycle and some things and people are for a season and some for a much bigger reason.  It is good to recognize and accept this fact.

I have found conversations that connect with me and draw me in with questions about myself with a desire to not assume they know me but want to learn about me from my own words.  There is nothing worse than hearing from a person who definitely doesn’t know your soul telling you they already know you, maybe better than you know yourself.  One of the biggest lessons in life is understanding that you will never fully know anyone so well that asking for clarity would be a mistake.  If you don’t ask questions then you are just making assumptions based on your own desires and feelings.  That leads to expectations, confusion, and heartache.  Stop and take a breath to evaluate, listen, and observe.  When you put your desires out into the universe and keep a positive outlook you will attract those that are right for you and others that are not will naturally fade away.  If they see the value in you they will try to find the lesson and grow as well but often many people remain stuck looking for their saving grace not knowing that they should be their own saving grace before they can find a fulfilling life of friendships and a romantic partner. So ask yourself, are you repeating a cycle or learning new things?  Are you allowing yourself to move away from relationships that are no longer serving you or staying in the dead end?  Are you learning the lessons in order to find more of the blessings?

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

 

 

 

How Do You Respond When Hurt?

I cried today.  The level of emotion and exhaustion hung over me all day like a cloud and after work and class I drove home in a fog and my bed never felt so good.  I was mentally, physically, and emotionally spent and basically just overwhelmed with emotion.  Each day I struggle to navigate work related issues, some days with mad success and others I feel I am just barely getting by.  I work hard in my classes trying to learn and so grateful for the support of my classmates, especially those in my small group of four for my Skills class.  Then, there is my home life, family, friends, my daughter and pets who all add up in this great big thing I call life and last but certainly not least, the new man in my world.

Navigating this new relationship has been interesting, mostly fun and exciting but today was a rough one for me.  Apologies were said and love shared at the end of the day, but I also felt true hurt and sadness for the first time today in my new relationship, by words said through text messages.  Words are powerful and they stick and I feel words shared in a text can sometimes, sadly, be more powerful than the spoken word.  Spoken words in anger can be blurted out without much thought, just a quick reaction out of hurt or anger.  However, a text takes time to think and say in your head and then type out on your phone and finally press send.  Once said and put in the hard black and white, left to be seen by the person at the other end, it can’t be taken back.

We are all human and we all make mistakes.  Navigating bumps in the road of a new relationship is part of the process of getting to know each other.  One of the most valuable things to evaluate in yourself and others is how you get mad.  How do you respond when you are hurt and angry?  Do you lash out and say things to make the other person hurt too?  Do you withdraw and punish the other person with silent treatment?  One of the biggest tests of maturity in an individual is how they handle themselves when something is hurting them.  Fear of rejection, loss, loneliness, hurt…this can cause people to do and say crazy things sometimes.  I have always tried to ask myself three questions to run my thoughts through a filter when I am feeling especially emotional and hurt.  Is is kind?  Is it true? Will it help?  If my words do not easily filter through then they probably should be kept to myself.

I am a forgiving person, some may say I am too forgiving and too quick to move on and apologize but I honestly feel life is too short to stay angry or upset for long.  I am not saying forget it and act like it was never said or done, but we all know holding on to hurt and anger harms us more than it does anyone else.  Today I was kind and what I said was true and I tried my best to be helpful in clarifying my thoughts and feelings in the situation.  I took responsibility for my actions and apologized and he apologized for his hurtful words.  The difference is, my actions were never intended to hurt, I stayed out late with a girlfriend having drinks.  His words were intended to hurt me and this concerns me.  When I love someone the last thing I want to do is hurt them.  The need to punish or hurt the one you love so they feel the way you feel is selfish and honestly, just immature.  So ask yourself how you respond when hurt?  Could you practice more self control and filter your thoughts and feelings better before responding or reacting?  This is something that takes practice but has amazing impact on relationships.

The ability to own your part and apologize is a big part of maturity as well and forgiveness can come easy when you state your wrong and validate the other persons hurt.  However, at the end of the day those words can’t be erased with a simple I am sorry.  In a new relationship I understand there will be moments of misunderstanding and re-evaluating how this person is different from any other I have dated.  So today I choose to forgive and understand but….I still cried.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

What I Have Learned

At 41 and about to cross over into 42 I have learned a lot about the world around me and myself.  My life has been full of ups and downs and through it all I grown to be a happier and healthier woman.  Lately, I admit sadness takes up residence in a corner of my heart due to loss of a relationship but as I have experienced before, this too shall pass.  As I move through my day, getting up each morning to make my bed, meditate and pray, shower, brush my teeth and feed my pets, these routines give me comfort. My drive to work each morning is usually listening to an audio book and often my morning routine at the office means arriving early and involves coffee, checking emails and maybe a little time to write.

As I move through my work day I like the freedom to work through each task at my own pace and often work through my lunch hour because I truly love my job.  Leaving around 5 each day I listen to my audio book again or sometimes I choose to listen to music.  Evenings may very, but often throughout the week I have dinner either alone or with my daughter, if I even eat dinner.  Sometimes my evening classes in grad school prevent even having time for dinner.  When I am home alone and don’t have class I may take an hour for Netflix or Prime, use the evening for study time or reading a book of my choice.  Reading soon leads to crawling into bed and a cup of hot tea before finally falling asleep.  Then I wake the next day to do it all over again.

Sometimes, I may go for walks in the evenings after work or have dinner with a friend.  Occasional yoga classes, kayaking or hiking on the weekends keep me active.  I try to plan little trips throughout the year to explore a place I have never been in one trip and to get my beloved beach time at least once a year.  I love my three cats, my dog and my house plants and my beautiful 18-year-old daughter who is in college and works.  She makes occasional appearances to spend time with her mom when she isn’t working on school, working at the restaurant or spending time with her boyfriend and friends.  I am a partial empty nester, which means I spend a lot of evenings throughout the week home alone, but that doesn’t really make me lonely.  I have learned to really appreciate my alone time.

As I recount my day to day activity I realize that I am living a blessed life.  I have so much to be thankful for and I have learned that being exactly where I am is enough.  I have spent most of my life striving to be, do, and have more and honestly, it can be exhausting.  Just accepting and fully appreciating who I am, what I have accomplished and all the people I have met, experiences I have had, places I have traveled….I know I have done well and nobody can take that away. I have learned that people may come and go in our lives but those who truly have touched my heart will remain in my heart.  I have learned that to truly forgive brings a peace that cannot be matched.  I have learned that there is no wrong way to love and you cannot love too much, there are just people that may not be ready for the type of love or the amount of love you have to give.  I have learned that no dream is too big and no act of kindness is too small to matter.

Some mornings I may wake thinking I just don’t feel like going through the same old routine again, I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide out.  What I have learned about that feeling, it is normal.  We all have days where we can’t really explain why but we just don’t want to get up and go.  I have also learned that pushing through is often good but sometimes it is okay to just call in to work and take a mental health day.  I have learned that it is okay to not always be positive and have a smile on your face, but the more you smile the better life usually is.  I have learned many things in my life and as Thanksgiving approaches and I reflect on the last 41 years, I know one thing is for sure, I will never stop learning.  The peace of slowing down and appreciating exactly where I am in this moment is truly the best lesson I have learned yet.  I ask that as you prepare to have time with family and/or friends this holiday season to just fully appreciate the moment and always look for the lesson.

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

Break-ups & teenage children

I have a very unique situation in my life where my now ex boyfriend is the boss of my 18-year-old daughter.  She was working for his business before we broke up and has respectfully handled the situation but not without heartache and difficulties of her own.  Sometimes adults do not realize the impact a break-up can have on older children.  My ex-boyfriend and my daughter did not bond a significant amount right away, it has been a slow process.  I never really allowed any men to be in her life during my single years until this man came along. He was significant and she knew it.  She observed how he treated me and how he interacted in his business, life, church and friendships.  Through this time he bought her sweet gifts and they had a few conversations and playful moments between them.  Eventually she came to work for him.  It is easy to think this simple communication and interaction over the course of our four year relationship was just a blip on my teenage daughters radar but I had a very profound moment last night that said something very different.

My daughter came to my room at the end of a busy weekend and sat on the edge of my bed, I looked up to see her face was red and upset and tears were about to burst from her eyes any moment.  I was prepared for something awful and personal concerning school or her boyfriend but what came from her mouth just left me dumbfounded and even more heartbroken.  My daughter is a waitress while going to college and has made me very proud with her hard work and dedication.  Saturday night at work, as she rounded the corner she caught sight of my ex sitting alone at the end of the bar eating dinner.  He is her boss and often eats there or grabs food from the restaurant before heading home. Normally, she said she would not have thought a thing of it but in that moment it made her mad and upset.  She said her emotions were so strong that she almost started crying right there in the restaurant.  She told me the thoughts in her head as she wondered how he could prefer to sit there alone when he could have her mother sitting there with him sharing dinner and conversation.  She went on to express how she had all of these things she wanted to share with him about school and her career choices and how the opportunity seemed lost because now she was just hurt and angry.  She was afraid if she did open up she would be disrespectful and she knew that would not be something I would approve of.  So she just walked away.

As I move through my heartache I realize my love for this man is strong and when I see and hear how it affects my daughter it moves me even more.  I want to encourage her to still have a relationship with him.  I explain to her that the value he brings to her life should not be affected by our relationship status.  However, she says it feels too hard.  This loss has affected our little family in a way that I cannot fully describe and I wonder….does he even have a clue?  Just as I have worked through my own grieving process I realize how my daughter must work through her own.  I realize that working for him, seeing him weekly, and having all these things she wants to say can be even harder for her in some aspects.  We both chose him in our lives in a way and he has backed away from the opportunity to stay.  It has been four months and my daughter finally released all of the feelings and emotions surrounding this change and loss and it reignited some feelings within me.  Having the holidays so close this is usually a time when she would normally be spending more time around him outside of work.  My heart aches for him and for my daughter and at the end of that line-up is still my own heartache about the situation.

The loss of a relationship is so profound and I encourage men and women who make the decision to be in the lives of a person with children to make that decision with great care, even older teenage and adult children.  Understand when you have the conversations with your significant other, and choose to walk away, it is wise to address the situation with the kids being left as well. I know this may not be an easy task to take on but I stress that if you are not up for dealing with all the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship then ask yourself if you should even enter into it.  At the end of the day we don’t have a crystal ball to know how things will end up and even if there are good intentions from the beginning when things do not last it is important to handle each relationship with care.  Take ownership of your own part in the process and make sure if you do walk away that you can walk away with peace in your heart that you respected all involved.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

 

 

Revisiting the Past for Inspiration

About four years ago I had just started the relationship that has recently ended.  We came into each others lives when we already had full lives and plans made as single individuals.   So that summer he went with friends to California while I visited one of my closest friends in Florida.  During that time I felt amazing.  I was working a full time and part time job and had not started back to school yet but I was seriously thinking about it.  Thinking back to that time in my life, just four short years ago, I realize how much I loved about myself and how much I have grown and accomplished.  I completed my bachelors degree, started my masters degree, changed jobs, paid off my car and other debt and so many other adventures have occurred along the way.  It is easy to feel sad and focus on the things that went wrong or we could have done better in a relationship once it ends but in order to really appreciate life and move forward in a healthy way it is better to really focus on the good.

Looking back I truly thought I had found a guy that had a healthy life and full life of his own, like I did, and we could come together in a way that would allow us to maintain those lives while adding to each others.  I had found an honorable and trustworthy man that I did not have to challenge and check-up on because he seemed to constantly challenge himself in life to constantly grow and be a better man in every aspect.  I thought I had found my equal, a man who saw the world not exactly like me but was on a similar path and a few steps ahead of me to offer support and guidance in my goals while I supported him in his already established business.  It was an exciting time and it felt like a relationship full of potential and promise.  Considering where things are now I realize that my perspective was not exactly in alignment with his and maybe it never was.  I will probably never know what his thoughts were at that time or at any specific time in the relationship.  All I know is,  my intentions were good from the beginning and I loved him to the fullest and after it is all said and done I feel he did love me too.

As I move forward I have discovered the process of grief covers many emotions and sorting through the past is necessary.  Once we get through the shock, heartbreak, sadness, anger and forgiveness of self and the other person we finally come to a place of acceptance.  In that moment we can hopefully look back at the time spent with the other person and appreciate the good, the bad, and the ugly, as part of the journey to who we are today.  I am inspired by that little bit thinner, much more tanned, longer hair version of myself four years ago.  She was full of hope and joy for so many things and four years later she has accomplished many of them!  So now is a time to set some new hopes and dreams and see what the next four years will bring!  Lets get inspired this holiday season as the year comes to an end…inspired by our past courage, faith, motivation, endurance, and grit to keep finding the positive, learning and growing with every experience life throws our way!

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lonely or Free?

I had a discussion recently with a friend of mine where he has been in love with a girl for a couple of years now but she is unwilling to commit to just him.  One of his responses as the conversation progressed was that he just gets so lonely.  It really made me think later about my own situation.  I have been divorced and living on my own for a long time now and the only time I really felt loneliness creep in is when I was feeling really bad about my life.  Even with my breakup 4 months ago (we did not live together) I have felt many feelings and emotions but lonely was not one of them.  I look at my time outside of a relationship as freedom.  I see it as an opportunity to reflect on where I am right now, what I have learned, and how I plan to move forward.  I understand the grieving process after a break-up requires time to be sad and I fully embrace allowing yourself to wallow for a short period in that sadness and heartbreak.  Once you have given yourself time to work through it, (I have heard a month for every year you were in it and that has really worked for me), then you should start to push yourself to explore what comes next.

Perspective is everything and when I look at my friend and his situation I just get frustrated.  It makes it hard to be supportive to a person who is choosing crap every single day.  Are you really so lonely that you prefer to just be someones number two over being your own number one?  Why do people act like being single after 40 or 50 is such a sad situation?  So sad that you are willing to settle?  I feel like my forties is when many things really started falling into place and making sense to me.  My morals, values, beliefs, goals, finances, relationships with family and friends all really started showing fruit from my labor.  My daughter has turned 18 and graduated high school and started college so I am even more free to come and go as I please.  I am more clear about who I am and the woman I want to grow to be as I move forward.  I am more clear on my career goals and financial game plan as I move forward, and I am more clear on the kind of relationships I want in my life.  I am also paying attention to my mental, emotional and physical health more at this stage in my life.

There are so many aspects of being single that are positive to me that I never even considered the word lonely, I often referred to it as being free.  Free to eat what I want, when I want, free to stay home instead of going out, free to watch television or read a book, free to go to lunch or have coffee with a friend.  I was free to do all of those things in a relationship but there is a different kind of freedom when you don’t have to explain your choices to anyone.  You can decide at the last minute exactly what you plan to do  without having to consider anyone else.  If I want to wake up an hour early and write I don’t have to worry about disturbing another person.  If I want to vacuum my living room and do laundry at 11 p.m. I can, without consideration for anyone but my pets.  The ability to see the positives and focus on the opportunities in your current situation is the difference between those of us who are constantly growing and those who just remain stagnant in life.  I often speak of taking personal responsibility for your health, choices, finances, relationships…this also means looking at your perspective on situations.  Are you choosing to look at certain situations only one way? Change your perspective and you could change your whole life.

At this moment and time I have no desire to pursue a relationship.  I have only been apart from my ex for about 4 months and I am just now starting to pull out of the grief process.  I understand that I have my own stuff to work on and work through but I am excited about it.  I am learning so much about myself and constantly getting better in every aspect.  When I am ready to move forward and start dating I know I will be a healthy and happy individual that will only add to another persons life and I hope he is out there doing the same!

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

 

Take Responsibility in Your Relationships

Do you look for challenge in your life?  Do you look for ways to re-evaluate and challenge yourself to grow and learn?  Do you look to keep the spark in your relationships with new and creative conversations, experiences, or maybe even by opening up and sharing parts of yourself that you haven’t before to see where it takes you? Sometimes we expect others to create the magic and blame them later when a relationship fails or we get bored.

In a review of self we should realize others do not have responsibility in how we feel, not even in a romantic relationship.  So, if you are complaining about another individual not meeting your needs you should first look within.  If you find yourself unchallenged or unsatisfied in certain areas of a relationship or even life in general, have you made effort for change?  Relationships should not be one sided.  It is not up to another individual to constantly challenge, entertain, or romance you.  The true growth, spark or chemistry in a relationship comes when both people communicate and work together to create it.  That is why it is called a partnership!

The quickest way to extinguish a romantic spark is to stop communicating and stop physical touch.  If you are not talking or touching your closing yourself off from growth in your relationship.  If you are talking negatively to others about your partner, even if your partner does not know the words being said, it can be felt and the relationship will suffer.  When you feel anger, disappointment, or even just indifference in a relationship it is up to you to create change, do not wait on the other person.  Making a vow to only speak good things over your relationship and partner is a great place to start.  If you are upset, journal it, pray about it, see your counselor (everyone should have one), meditate on it, or hey…maybe just communicate it to your partner, but don’t give any negativity in your relationship or life power by talking about it at length to friends and family.

Your life will be better in every aspect if you think positive, speak positive and believe positive because when all of those are in alignment then you will only attract positive experiences and people.  As we move forward in this month of Thanksgiving please remember to have an attitude of gratitude and don’t take your relationships for granted.  With family and friends coming together over beautiful meals it should be a time of love and togetherness. Really take time this month to reflect and take responsibility for how you are speaking over the relationships and people in your life.

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy