Mixed Emotions

Joan Didion Quotes | BukRate

I have been hesitant to sit down and write for the last week. The level of change that has occurred in two weeks feels like a heavy wet blanket laying over me. Some grief has caught me in moments but I feel as if I am holding my breath, waiting for the full realization to wash over me and I want to be fully alone when it does. In the last 10 days I have experienced a wonderful vacation to Gatlinburg Tennessee that I planned weeks before. I was able to secure my first Airbnb and with my birthday just two days after Christmas, it was going to be the perfect 4 day weekend! A Smoky Mountain Christmas! Just 5 days before me and my new love were to leave on our trip I was notified that my last long term boyfriend of 4 years had died.

I was driving down the road when I read the news through a text message from a friend who was probably too scared and emotional to call me in person. He was only 54, and had just had a birthday in November. He worked out regularly and by all appearances look to be a very healthy guy. I was shocked and heart broken. We had broke up at the end of 2019 and finalized things with a trip to Gatlinburg of all places, in October of 2019. It was a friendly and mature breakup by most standards but the truth is, I was heart broken. I loved him and really struggled with the break-up. Over the next year life was full of struggle for me. I was completing my masters degree and trying to date as I watched him show up pretty quickly with someone new on his arm.

Let’s just say 2020 was not good. Between the pandemic, multiple failed attempts at moving on and dating someone new, and struggling through work and school… I was exhausted and just trying to heal. In 2021 all the change I had prayed so hard for in 2020 came in like a wrecking ball! I graduated with my masters degree, met a great guy from my home town, got a new job, moved back to my home town, sold my house, and watched my daughter get engaged. All the changes happened so fast but even the stress of it all was good stress with many positive outcomes. I was finally at a point in my life where I was not thinking about him on a regular basis and I had fully began to embrace the new life I was making when the news came.

Nobody prepares you for a loss like this. First of all, I know you may find this amazing, but at 43 years old I had managed to live my life without losing anyone really close to me. I mean, I have heard about school friends passing but they were not super close to me at the time of their death. This was someone I had shared pretty much a daily connection with for four years and we had only been apart for 2 years. I felt like I was losing him all over again. I also felt this weird sense of guilt because I have a wonderful new man in my life but here I am grieving and looking through all the memories of this man from my past. The mix of emotions is overwhelming and so hard to explain to someone who has not experienced it. The grief comes when I allow it but I have not fully allowed it yet. The services will be next week and I am trying to prepare myself for what I know will come.

It was bitter sweet and so very ironic to be vacationing in the last place I vacationed with him. It wasn’t planned that way but it felt almost like a tribute in my heart to say, yes I remember, even though it didn’t work out we had many good times. All the traveling we did together was amazing and he taught me a lot, in some ways about how I wanted to be and in others how I did not want to be. He wasn’t perfect but I think I am realizing that he loved me the best way he knew how. It feels ironic that he died from complications in his heart. It was easy to see in the four years that we had together, he was not always good at expressing deeper and more loving emotions. The heart chakra was definitely a bit wounded and blocked for him and I tried hard to figure out why with only bits and pieces revealed by him about his childhood.

After celebrating Christmas overlooking the Smoky Mountain tops and turning the big 44 sitting at a rooftop bar overlooking downtown Gatlinburg, I realize what an amazing adventure life can be. Every single person who touches our lives makes an impact and some even steal a piece of your heart forever. So today I am thankful…thankful for all of you who read my words, all who have touched my life, no matter how big or small. Thank you for making my life amazing and please remember to tell those you care about that you love them often. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and I love you all!

With love, health, and happiness


Appreciation & Contentment

Contentment, Gratitude, And Mindfulness – Journey with Parkinson's

I have been practicing law of attraction for a while now. The art of allowing, being grateful, tipping the scale of positivity to just 51% each day, and learning to ask for what I want and then believing. The focus would ebb and flow and I would find myself going through moments feeling stagnant, then feeling as if I was going backwards, but the real proof in the pudding was in the large leaps forward. I am a big believer in signs and have come to understand that trying to plan everything out or force it is not always the best way. We don’t have to know the details of when, where, or how because the universe will find a way. When the details start to unfold and the path becomes more clear it is almost surreal.

All the years of practicing, believing it is in process and already done, but when it starts falling into place it really is kind of hard to believe. I didn’t realize how each decision over the past year has lead me to where I am now. It amazes me how it all has come together. So many aspects of my dreams for the future from the time I was just becoming an adult woman at 18 continue to unfold for me even now, more than 25 years later. Have you thought about the dreams you had as a young person, the house, the job, the hobbies, the car, the things you wanted to have more of in life, the experiences you wanted to have, the type of person you wanted to be when you would imagine your life as an adult? Some things are not exactly how I expected and for that I am actually grateful, but in other areas of my life they are weirdly familiar and accurate.

I have often read (or heard) that law of attraction is like the law of gravity and it is constantly working regardless if we believe it or understand it. I think I am realizing this to be very true on a personal level because many of these dreams I had before I had even heard of law of attraction. I am excited about how my life has unfolded and even with all the ups and downs and struggles along the way I can say that there has definitely been more lessons learned, more growth, and more joy than anything. I am really at a point of self growth at this point in my life and enjoying everything life has to offer. I navigate struggles, stress, worry and heartache with a lot more understanding and grace than I used to.

Everything that I have learned in my education and career as a mental health counselor, along with my years in holistic healthcare, are now coming fully circle with my training to become a yoga teacher. All of my interests and practices compliment each other very nicely and help me realize that each point in life has truly been preparing me for the next. The ability to look back over my life and appreciate all the lessons and growth has brought a sense of peace to my heart and soul. I know that I am on the right path and everything I have worked so hard for is really starting to pay off. I feel truly grateful and content in this moment and time and I am looking forward to this new year to see what I am attracting into my path. I hope you all are able to reflect and find much to be thankful for as well.

With love, health, happiness


Fresh Start

A fresh start is just a mindset away... · MoveMe Quotes

Often people think having a fresh start means making drastic changes like quitting a job or moving to a new town. In the choice to move or quit they see an easy way to escape their problems. Unfortunately, those problems often follow, and in time they pop back up, sometimes even worse than before. Truly accomplishing a fresh start means tackling the problems head on and then, if needed to heal, a move may be necessary. The key is actually taking action towards the problem first, instead of running away from it, sweeping it under the rug, or just hoping it all goes away if you get far enough away from it.

I made some big moves this year and I had to be honest with myself recently with some of the choices I have made. I started a new relationship, took a new job, sold my house and returned to my very small home town that I left over 20 years ago. To say it has taken some adjusting to the change is an understatement. There are pros and cons to every decision we make in life and it is wise to assess those very carefully beforehand. My choice to move and start a new job did feel like a choice to make a fresh start but in that choice I also had to mentally and emotionally make peace with my choice. If you are not making peace with the past and accepting where you are in the present moment, then you will most likely be dragging a lot of the same issues with you to the future. No matter what big changes you make in an attempt to get that fresh start, it is most important to mentally prepare.

I have been on many little trips over the years and often found myself having conversations about how I would love to find a little place near water and live the simple life. I often dreamed of this when I would stay at a nice cabin for the weekend in places like Gatlinburg Tennessee or a cottage near the beach in Panama City Beach Florida or San Diego California. I even imagined what it would be like to have a small apartment in Manhattan New York when I visited. I knew I wanted a change and always thought it would be someplace new and very different from any place I had lived before. I found myself continually looking at little cabins or farmhouses the most and the dream begin to unfold more over the years. I knew I enjoyed more of the freshwater access with kayaking, fishing, swimming, and areas to hike. For some reason I never seriously considered returning to my hometown until this year.

It was the logical choice, to be closer to my parents as they are now in their late seventies. My brother is far away in the big land of Texas and still raising small children, my daughter is living on her own, in college, and engaged to be married. So I was in a better position to move closer and be around to care for my parents when the time comes. My small town also has a beautiful river that runs right through the middle of it, with ample access to boating, floating, fishing, canoeing, kayaking, hiking, and camping. I had roots here and all the things I traveled and dreamed of along with a job opening in the local Family Clinic where I could give back to the small community I grew up in. The decision to move to the actual process of making it all happen has taken less than 6 months and as of the first of the year everything will be complete. I will have moved, sold my house, and be a licensed therapist in the small clinic of the town I could not wait to leave more than 20 years ago!

This is my fresh start, where I will probably retire and live out the rest of my days. I will still travel and dream of other places but this is home for me, at least as long as my parents are still here. My fresh start is literally where it all initially started for me, kind of ironic. I have made peace with the longer drive to the grocery store and missing other conveniences of living in a bigger town. I think it was well worth the trade off to live out in the country with no neighbors visible from my porch. Where I can start a hike right from own driveway. Drive 15 minutes and drop my kayak in the water. Pay attention to where your mind takes you when you are dreaming of the future, life has a way of bringing things full circle. It is possible your fresh start has been right in front of you all along.

With love, health, and happiness