Tip the Scale

When it comes to the power of positive thinking and attracting more positive things into your life you really should not have to work too hard at it. If you are self-aware then you can easily tip the scale of good versus bad in your favor. All it takes is 51% more positive thoughts in each day to start the turn-around process. Stop doubting, worrying, and looking for reasons why something will not work and start looking for the reasons it will! I have witnessed this process happen in my own life many times and I am finally starting to get better at keeping the scale tipped in my favor.

Everyone has good and bad days and the truth is you want to have those bad moments and bad days so that you can fully appreciate the good. Lessons and growth happen from those negative moments in life. However, the real art of allowing and acceptance is understanding those moments are temporary and not a place you plan to stay. In order to truly learn and grow from the negative there has to be movement beyond it and towards more positive alignment. The effort to move beyond is the processing of what did I learn and how can I do better? You add those nuggets of wisdom into your big bubble of knowledge, hopes, dreams and desires and keep moving forward.

Self-awareness and tipping the scale also comes in form of signs. I don’t believe in coincidence or random occurrences. I believe we are constantly attracting people, places, things, situations and experiences into our lives. Pay attention to little nudges that are the feeling of your gut or intuition guiding you on a certain path…you may be drawn to a certain book, or person, or place…listen to that inner guidance system and be open to the possibilities. I have been practicing this more and more in my life and the recent results have been almost surreal.

Finding true happiness is first within yourself. You must be happy with yourself and being alone in your own thoughts and feelings, but once you have accomplished the happiness within yourself then the alignment has already begun for everything else. You will then start to attract the desires outside of yourself as you keep in alignment with yourself. Its true in every aspect of life….when you have tended well to your job or career, your home, your relationships in life then you see growth radiate out further into bigger parts of your life. Start small and just work on yourself first and you will see big things begin to happen. All it takes is tipping that scale in the favor of positive thoughts and ideas more often throughout the day than any negative. Then watch the magic take over!

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

To Know is To Love

When we think about sharing our lives with another person we must consider what we know about love as an individual. Think about the love you have with parents, grandparents, siblings and your siblings families, even the love you have shared with exes and maybe your own children. Then think about the love you know and share with your friends, coworkers, even your pets. Finally, think about the love you give to yourself. To truly have a strong and loving relationship with a significant other you must know what love is for you and be able to communicate it to the other person. Feeling and showing love is not the same for everyone, that is why there are books like, The Five Love Languages.

When you begin to truly know what you value and start dating, then you can be more aware of what you need to learn about the other person as well. What you find important in a relationship in order to feel love, respected and supported may not be obvious to someone else. I have friends who have learned that punctuality is important to me and I am also a bit of a planner. My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. So discussing plans to get away for the weekend for some quality time with someone I love is super exciting for me. I have a very outgoing and humorous personality but I don’t necessarily like a man who is that way. I find myself often attracted to men who do have a great sense of humor but are more quiet and reserved types, at least out socially. The strong and serious, all business and authoritative mans man is what I find myself often attracted to. I find it special and sexy when a man has a certain side of himself that he only shares with me. I have certain things I reserve for only those most special to me as well.

As I have moved through life and become older and wiser, I often see my friends going through relationship issues or settling for a partner that isn’t quite what they want but “close enough”. I understand there may be certain compromises and exceptions made because nobody is perfect, but make sure you are being honest with yourself. Often we find ourselves making exceptions to things that we may only find slightly bothersome or annoying in the beginning stages when love is new, exciting and fun, only to realize once the new wears off, that little thing gets bigger. If you are truly accepting of someone who never makes plans until last minute or is consistently late or whatever the “thing” is, then understand…this will NEVER change so you cannot get pissed about it later. Part of dating is not just getting to know the other person, it is also letting others know who you are and in order to do that you have to know yourself and be honest.

We all know we cannot change people and we also need to admit, allowing love to grow with someone you want to change is not fair. Someone who is always late is not really an awful person who doesn’t deserve love. There are people out there that do not find constant lateness a deal breaker. It also does not mean that person disrespects everyone else in the world, maybe they are selfish assholes, or maybe they just struggle and truly want to do better. No matter which category they fall in, it is not your job to fix it. I have struggled in dating because I may encounter a guy that has many qualities I love but I realize there are things about him that really bother me. I try to rationalize and make excuses at first because he seems to fit so many aspects of what I love, but this is where we get ourselves into trouble. We must remember, the very beginning stages of dating is when we are supposed to be putting our best foot forward, so if this person is already doing things that raise flags then you have to know when to walk away.

To know yourself and what you find important in a relationship is the most important part of dating. Do not waiver or make exceptions unless you truly feel the compromise is worth it for the long haul. If you find it annoying that your new guy never puts his clothes in the hamper or dishes in the sink but he is fantastic at telling you how much he appreciates and loves you and he plans special dates with you, then maybe you can see yourself making the compromise. Only you know but you must be honest with yourself. Communication is key also, never sweep things under the rug, address the things that bug you in the beginning and give the other person a chance to think about it and take action to do better, if they continue then you will know this is something you will either have to accept or walk away from. You do not want to continue having the same conversation over and over about the same issues because those will turn to arguments and then resentment and it just never ends well. Either accept them and drop it or move on. You have to know yourself and as you get to know them, then you can decide if knowing them is really to love them.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Know Your Worth

I am nice, probably too nice sometimes. I don’t hold grudges. I get over things and forgive pretty quickly. I focus on future and the positive and try to avoid any conflict. I try to follow the motto of treating others how I want to be treated. The truth is, no one can take advantage of you unless you allow them. If you are feeling used, disrespected, or as a last resort when people have nothing else to do, then it is up to you to address it, because no one else will. What you allow will continue. I often give people I like more chances than I should and I have tried to be more vocal and speak up for myself recently. It has been empowering and also helps save a lot of time. No second guessing or over-analyzing necessary when you have addressed something that bothers you and they acknowledge it. Then you can just sit back and wait to see if they are sincere in their apology and will try to do better or if they are just going through the motions. I mean, let’s be clear, an apology means nothing if the behavior continues right?

Sometimes it is hard to walk away from someone because it can be easy to see potential, but potential is usually just a facade we create upon first impressions. Actions speak louder than words and often people tell who they want to be but not necessarily who they are. A great potential friend that can listen and be supportive but is never on time and breaks plans last minute can be disappointing. When a person breaks plans or never makes plans, does not keep their word, is hit and miss in your life and seems indifferent about it, then they are probably not worth your time. Frequent apologies are a mark of a person who just doesn’t give a shit. If you know this is something that will only build resentment within you then you should be honest with yourself and back away from that relationship. If you hang in then you are setting yourself up for a pattern of constant disappointment. It is sad and frustrating but true.

I have experienced this in my life with both friends and in dating. They can have so many things you love but being on time and making and keeping plans is very important to me. I understand that things can happen and few minutes late is forgivable, but consistent failure to show up is just disrespectful, selfish and hurtful. Everyone has busy lives, to pretend your busy life allows you to be the exception to the rules of common courtesy just makes you an ass. Don’t make excuses for these people, if a person can truly see the error of their ways then they will come to you and apologize stating what they did wrong and make a sincere effort not to let it happen again. They will also try harder to be respectful if they see there is a situation where it could. To let it happen and just apologize for it after the fact is a cop out. Punctuality may not be an issue for you but you know yourself well enough to know what bothers you on a deeper level so don’t sweep it under the rug and say its fine when it is not. You have a responsibility to respect yourself first because if you don’t how can you expect anyone else to respect you?

You are worthy of being treated well. You are worthy of an explanation and sincere apology if someone is about to disappoint you or has disappointed you. You are worthy of being a priority and someone taking the time to make plans with you and show up and be excited to spend time with you. You are worthy of voicing your opinion and feelings, being heard and having expectations for how you want to be treated. You are also worthy enough to be okay with walking away if someone is unable to meet those expectations. What we are discussing here are not super high expectations, they are the bare minimum basic building blocks of any healthy relationship. If a person in your life is not willing to give you at least the foundation building blocks then you have nothing to build upon. Be honest with yourself and know when to walk away. Know your worth.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Your Capacity to Love

I used to think loving someone was pretty much a black or white thing. Either you loved them or you didn’t. I hated to hear people say, I love you but I am not in love with you. I understood there was love of family, love of friends, and then romantic love, but I didn’t really believe romantic love could also have different levels. Over time, after one marriage and two long term relationships, I realize the level of love or the ability of love one is able to give can grow exponentially over time. I believe, along with life experiences, knowledge and growth within ourselves, and learning to love who we truly are can give us the ability to love differently in each relationship we choose.

I had young love when I married young and had my daughter. Then I had another level of love in the next relationship that felt deeper and after a few years I found another love that changed me over time. I know that I was still learning and growing and those relationships could not or would not grow with me for one reason or another and they ended. Now I have been out of my last long term relationship for a year. I have dated but as many of us do, I tried to be more open minded like my friends suggested and dated guys that I would not typically choose. I quickly realized I should probably listen less to my friends, as helpful as they were trying to be, and just do what feels right for me.

At this point in life I feel that I am on the right track with what I want in life and have a good idea of the type of man I can see myself with. Looking back I can see how the things I once desired in a relationship have changed and I am thankful for the experiences I have had that have helped me gain clarity. Priorities often change with age. Our ability to love is based on so many things and sometimes people can really love you but their capacity to love is limited….this could be for many reasons. Abuse, maturity level, inability to heal from a past heartbreak, childhood trauma, lack of experience or understanding, emotional immaturity, lacking communication and/or social skills…all of these things can be factors that affect a persons capacity to love.

I have cleared the decks and removed all interested from my past and present to center on one man who seems to be many of the things I desire, but it takes time to know for sure. I have rushed into things before full of hope and I have learned that it never turns out good. So I will be patient, listen, observe, and see how he treats me, does he make time for me, does his actions match his words? Is he respectful, is he trying to communicate and show emotional maturity, can he apologize and admit when he is wrong and commit to doing better? Does he make me laugh and smile? Is he supportive of my hopes and dreams and does he openly share with me his own? Does he think of me in his busy day and let me know I am on his mind and does he ask about me and my day? These are things that most women would say they desire in a relationship and they seem pretty simple, but it is amazing to me how often they are missing from the beginning and we make excuses or exceptions for them.

It is important to understand where a persons capacity for love is and if it is a match for you. The truth is, most women naturally have a higher capacity for love than men, so keep that in mind. We are nurturers and even chemically connect once a sexual encounter has occurred. Men are not wired the same, connection for them happens differently. Slow movers are not necessarily a bad thing. Sexual chemistry is great and necessary but in order to have a truly fulfilling and lasting relationship it must go deeper. Today adults have so much to navigate, so understanding busy work schedules, shared custody of children, going back to college schedules and study time for a higher degree, taking care of a home and any pets, time for self-care and health, family and friends….by the time you factor all of those things in to a new relationship it leaves very little time to get to know someone. So often late night phone calls or texting can happen, but you don’t want this to become the basis of communication (especially texting). The patterns you set in the beginning will be hard to break if the relationship begins to grow.

The desire to find a loving partner is often stated, but the desire to work for a good relationship is where many fail. Love does not come easy, it is a choice to love someone and the effort you are willing to put in says a lot about your capacity to love. Get your priorities straight and make room for that relationship if it is something you truly desire. Love, family, career, and home are what many find most important in life, which areas could you be putting more effort into? Are you making time to nurture a new relationship and learn and grow or are you just going through the motions? Be honest with yourself on what you want and the effort you are willing to put in, know your capacity to love.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy