How Do You Respond When Hurt?

I cried today.  The level of emotion and exhaustion hung over me all day like a cloud and after work and class I drove home in a fog and my bed never felt so good.  I was mentally, physically, and emotionally spent and basically just overwhelmed with emotion.  Each day I struggle to navigate work related issues, some days with mad success and others I feel I am just barely getting by.  I work hard in my classes trying to learn and so grateful for the support of my classmates, especially those in my small group of four for my Skills class.  Then, there is my home life, family, friends, my daughter and pets who all add up in this great big thing I call life and last but certainly not least, the new man in my world.

Navigating this new relationship has been interesting, mostly fun and exciting but today was a rough one for me.  Apologies were said and love shared at the end of the day, but I also felt true hurt and sadness for the first time today in my new relationship, by words said through text messages.  Words are powerful and they stick and I feel words shared in a text can sometimes, sadly, be more powerful than the spoken word.  Spoken words in anger can be blurted out without much thought, just a quick reaction out of hurt or anger.  However, a text takes time to think and say in your head and then type out on your phone and finally press send.  Once said and put in the hard black and white, left to be seen by the person at the other end, it can’t be taken back.

We are all human and we all make mistakes.  Navigating bumps in the road of a new relationship is part of the process of getting to know each other.  One of the most valuable things to evaluate in yourself and others is how you get mad.  How do you respond when you are hurt and angry?  Do you lash out and say things to make the other person hurt too?  Do you withdraw and punish the other person with silent treatment?  One of the biggest tests of maturity in an individual is how they handle themselves when something is hurting them.  Fear of rejection, loss, loneliness, hurt…this can cause people to do and say crazy things sometimes.  I have always tried to ask myself three questions to run my thoughts through a filter when I am feeling especially emotional and hurt.  Is is kind?  Is it true? Will it help?  If my words do not easily filter through then they probably should be kept to myself.

I am a forgiving person, some may say I am too forgiving and too quick to move on and apologize but I honestly feel life is too short to stay angry or upset for long.  I am not saying forget it and act like it was never said or done, but we all know holding on to hurt and anger harms us more than it does anyone else.  Today I was kind and what I said was true and I tried my best to be helpful in clarifying my thoughts and feelings in the situation.  I took responsibility for my actions and apologized and he apologized for his hurtful words.  The difference is, my actions were never intended to hurt, I stayed out late with a girlfriend having drinks.  His words were intended to hurt me and this concerns me.  When I love someone the last thing I want to do is hurt them.  The need to punish or hurt the one you love so they feel the way you feel is selfish and honestly, just immature.  So ask yourself how you respond when hurt?  Could you practice more self control and filter your thoughts and feelings better before responding or reacting?  This is something that takes practice but has amazing impact on relationships.

The ability to own your part and apologize is a big part of maturity as well and forgiveness can come easy when you state your wrong and validate the other persons hurt.  However, at the end of the day those words can’t be erased with a simple I am sorry.  In a new relationship I understand there will be moments of misunderstanding and re-evaluating how this person is different from any other I have dated.  So today I choose to forgive and understand but….I still cried.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Bubble Wrap Your Heart

The first thing I have noticed in the world of heartbreak and dating is the little bruises and cuts we receive on our poor tattered hearts over time and how those wounds stay with us as we try to work our way back up on the horse to try again.  I think it is safe to say we all know we should not punish the new person in our lives for the bad done to us by those before, but we often still do it anyway.  We may justify it by saying we learned a valuable lesson and we are just being smart with our caution and paranoid thoughts and doubts.  This person is too good to be true so when is the truth bomb going to blow-up in my face?  If you have ever been really heart broken and tried to start a new relationship all of these little thoughts and fears will creep into your mind at some point.  Maybe it will be after the first excitement of new love starts to fade and those good morning texts don’t come quite as consistently?  Maybe it is the first time you spend the night together and don’t have sex?  At some point you think…is this it, is this a form or rejection, the beginning of the end, or are we in a good comfortable place?

First, we must understand these thoughts are all normal and usually there is some degree of fear and wonder coming from both people involved in the relationship.  It is good to move slow, get to know the other person, and create a comfort level for communication so that these worries and thoughts can be shared.  If someone makes you feel silly or crazy for voicing your feelings then that should be a pretty big red flag right from the start.  Every relationship and every couple is unique but also remember you are still a unique individual.  Do not allow your thoughts to be consumed by the other person.  The smartest way to protect your heart is to make sure you are truly happy and fulfilled on your own before you enter into a relationship.  Too often I see beautiful, smart, independent women become so caught up in the romance that they let other parts of their lives fall to the wayside and they have regrets about it later.

Remember who you were in the beginning of the relationship, which is also probably a big reason why the other person fell in love with you in the first place.  So if you go dropping all these parts of your life that made you you, then it will surely change the whole dynamic of the relationship.  Of course, changes, growth, and compromise will occur as a relationship matures but this should be a compatible process that flows naturally.   Each relationship will have its highs and lows, ebbs and flows, and stops and goes.  This is a normal part of sharing a life with another person.  Try to allow yourself to fully heal before entering a new relationship and understand that if things are moving too fast it is okay to slow down and re-evaluate.  It is possible to be wise and still be hopelessly in love.  Let yourself enjoy the moment but don’t forget who you are in the process.  A person who is truly in love with you will encourage you to take your time, to talk things through, to have your space, and to keep your hobbies and interests.  You can protect your heart and still allow yourself to love again.  Happy Valentines Day!

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

 

 

 

Balancing Act

Well 2020 has started off like the Kentucky Derby running full speed ahead and whipping my arse all the way! I have been juggling work, school, time with family and friends, trying to stay healthy and the very beginnings of a new relationship that was completely not in my plans.  It happens when you least expect it is what I have always heard and he definitely was not!  Trying to balance everything and still make time for myself has been a bit of a struggle.  It is impossible to give one hundred percent to every aspect of your life so that means that when trying to focus on one area there is bound to be at least one other area that starts to falter.

I have previously posted about tools like the Wellness Wheel that can help us check in and see how we are doing in all the areas of life but the truth is, most of us already know where we are struggling.  I often feel like I am in a game of Jenga, steadily pulling time and effort from one area and stacking on another and any minute it is all going to come tumbling down on me.   This balancing act can be a bit stressful at times and that is why it is so important to stop and be present.  It is easy to get caught up in the crazy flow of everything life and not stop to smell the roses.  However, I have found when I do take time to slow it all down is when I realize it is all going to be okay.

I have wrote about acceptance before but more from a perspective of accepting others not situations.  There are going to be points in life where we just have to accept the fact that we are not going to have the time to do and be the best at everything.  As long as you are trying your best that is good enough.  Don’t be afraid to ask yourself if some of the things you are trying to add into your day are even worth it.  If you are making time for things that really don’t add to your joy in some way can you just cut them out?  Now I know that some of you will say you would like to cut out cleaning your home or doing laundry but doing those things actually do add to your joy in the end game.

It is good to re-evaluate your schedules, habits, and routines on a regular basis and ask yourself what can be done better and what can be done away with.  I am constantly re-assessing how to make my life more productive and balance everything I want in life.  If you are trying to balance so many things that you love you may end up not loving any of it.  Do not overwhelm yourself with trying to be everything to everyone.  Make sure you are focused on things that are truly a priority to you.  Also, it is good to remember, goals can change because we as people are constantly changing.  Maybe the passion you felt in one area isn’t really who you are or who you want to be anymore.  Big changes may be necessary in order to create a more positive balance.  Moving closer to work, changing jobs, going back to school, deciding to have a baby, or even considering working less and traveling more are all big things to consider in life.

Don’t hold back because you are comfortable where you are, push yourself to change and grow.  With change and growth you may find that more positive balance you were longing for. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a rut and feeling like we have stay somewhere in life out of obligation and I am here to tell you that is not true and there are always options.  Those options may be hard to navigate but often, at the end of the day, they are so worth it.  So here is to big changes in life and goals in order to find that healthy balance we all desire!

With love, health, happiness & balance..

Stacy