Creating Boundaries

In life we want to believe that those who really love us would never knowingly or intentionally push us around, take advantage or treat us badly.  However, sometimes those that love us the most are the ones who will test our limits and boundaries the most.  In the end of my relationship with a man who still says he loves me I always thought that some things were assumed and did not need to be stated out loud.  In that assumption I believed that this man who says he loves me would never take advantage of my love for him.  I had put him on a pedestal and created in my mind this upstanding, high character, Godly man that would never allow me to be hurt or used, he was supposed to love and protect me right?  After our break-up we reconnected one evening and he treated me all the ways I had been missing and this treatment was consistent each time we saw each other ending in a special weekend getaway we had planned before our break-up. It wasn’t until I finally opened my mouth and asked his intentions in the reconnection was it clear that he was allowing me to believe we were working on things when he had no intention.  In that moment I realized something very valuable, something I had always heard but never truly felt in a particular moment in my life until that very moment…people will treat you the way you allow them to.

I went to bed that night feeling a mixture of feelings that included hurt, frustration, confusion and mostly being mad at myself, but one thing I knew for sure was, it was not going to continue and would never happen again.  I allowed myself to re-engage without stating my boundaries and after a bit of thought I realized that I was disrespecting myself by not having more clear boundaries.  I gave this man I had loved for over 4 years the benefit of the doubt by allowing myself to go there again without gaining clarity first and he took advantage of that.  So okay I forgive myself, this time shame on him for allowing it to happen.  He knew how I felt and took all my listed desires in a letter I had given him and actually did those things as if he were wanting to show me he could be that man for me, which was even more misleading.  What was the point of doing everything I wanted in the relationship if you have no intention of continuing the relationship?  First time shame on him, but no excuses moving forward. It is time for me to set clear boundaries for myself and others, even when it is hard.

Looking back at the situation I have to be very honest, I wanted that time with him and he wanted it to and neither one of us really wanted to state a boundary because it meant giving up things we both still desired in the relationship.  This is common after a break-up or divorce because there is a sense of comfort in being with that familiar person, but it only leads to more confusion, frustration and heartache.  If it continues it can lead to a lot of resentment as well.  I had to make the hard decision to just walk away and not contact him again.  I love him and feel he brought many good things into my life, but I cannot and will not give all the benefits of me as his lady without him claiming me as his lady and himself as my man.  What we were doing was not just friendship and to call it that was unfair of him.  With setting this boundary it opened my eyes to other areas where I have not been clear and respected my desires for the kind of woman I want to be and the life I want to live.  I began to take inventory of how I treat myself and the relationships I have in my life.  Are the choices I am making a healthy reflection of the type of person I want to be?  The honest answer is, not always.

I have decided to set some harder boundaries in my life because I feel there are certain things that do not reflect the kind of person I want to be.  I have decided to go the month of November without any alcohol and if I notice a big change in how I feel I may decide to exclude alcohol from my life permanently.  I have never been a heavy drinker anyway and often, after an evening out with friends, I feel sick, tired and a bit depressed the next day.  I don’t smoke, do any drugs or even take any medications.  Ideally, I would love to be free of any toxins in my body and I think alcohol and sugar would be a good place to start.  I have also allowed myself in the past to engage in friendships with people who are not the best influence or not encouraging me to live in a way that I want to live.  We all want to believe that we are grown-up enough not to let others affect who we are but if we hang out with people whose morals, values and character do not match up with our own, over time that mentality can start to seep in and affect our views and choices.  So I realize that it may be necessary to spend less time with certain people and maybe even remove some altogether.  When setting goals you must consider what boundaries you are going to set in order to help you have clear guidelines when it comes to navigating the path to those goals.  If that means spending less time with your friends who like to drink and party in order to get healthy then that is what you need to do.  If that means setting higher standards for yourself with dating then be clear on what you expect and clear to others and don’t compromise on those boundaries.  Once you start setting boundaries and respecting yourself you will naturally attract others who will do the same.

With love, health, & happiness,

Stacy

It Doesn’t Matter

There are points in our lives where we really take ownership of what another person may say.  When going through an argument or a break-up we often have a tendency to replay conversations in our minds or wonder what we should have said or done or what we should not have said or done.  Often, we walk away from relationships still wondering and wanting more answers in order to find some kind of closure, but the truth is…it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of you and knowing will not change anything.  At the end of the day there is no real reason to continue analyzing, discussing and worrying over what went wrong or what could have been.  When another person rejects you or says something that creates negative feelings within you that is your inner source saying, no I don’t agree, I don’t identify with what you are saying or seeing.

Sometimes how others choose to see us is not really who we are and if we adopt their view it can leave us in a constant state of doubt, insecurity, anxiety and even depression.  We are all on our own path, yet we often feel a push to follow the path of someone else, especially when in a new relationship or watching others post amazing snapshots of their lives on social media.  The world is such a big exciting place with so many experiences to have, it is easy to feel like we just are not doing or being enough.  I recently caught myself feeling this way, which is easy to do when you are vulnerable from a recent break-up.  It is good to reassess, re-evaluate and take away from each relationship things you learned and things you can improve upon, but don’t be too hard on yourself, like I was.

We are all on our own path and some of us may decide diet and exercise are a priority right now while others may focus more on career and education and yet others may be focused on home and family.  Whatever, your personal goals are don’t allow another person to make you feel like it isn’t enough just because it doesn’t match theirs.  We all arrive at a different pace in different areas of our lives.  I finished my bachelors degree and started my graduate degree later in life because I focused on raising a child in my twenties and thirties.  I had a wonderful career in holistic health before changing to mental health and by the time I finish my degree I hope to combine them both into a specialty and open my own practice.  As I am focusing on my graduate degree and have been at my new job a little over a year now, so I feel I have found my groove and can balance my schedule better.  In this process I have started incorporating other areas that have been pushed to the back burner, like my diet and exercise.

I was very hard on myself up until recently because I had allowed myself to gain about 15 pounds when I went through all the job change and going back to school process.  I even convinced myself that the weight gain was part of the reason my relationship was ending, but honestly I was never told that was a reason.  I wanted to be everything and do everything and was convinced that if I let one area slide I was failing.  Raise an amazing daughter, buy and remodel my own home, pay off my car, finish my degree, have an amazing career, all the while maintaining the perfect hair, nails, skin, body and smile on my face and acting as if I am not stressed to the max and helping my boyfriend run his restaurant!  Looking back, I am amazed I had time to even eat and gain weight!  As I look back on the last 4 years I realize that I was pushing myself towards really great things and for that I am proud, but there were often times that the push was not always from within and not for me.

So, as I re-evaluate where I am at 41-years-old I have to really ask myself, is everything I am doing right now really something I want for myself?  Am I truly happy and is everything I plan each day bringing me joy to some degree?  Am I taking care of myself and pushing myself in the right way and for the right reasons?  As I sit here typing this I feel the soreness in my arms with certain movement from the amazing workout I had Tuesday, I have a beautiful window view of the pretty little street my office sits on, I have my counseling and ethics book sitting on the desk next to me, and just received a loving text from my 18-year-old daughter and another from a friend about our girls Thursday night bowling league tonight.  As I take inventory of what I have accomplished and where I am in the world I think to myself, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, or why or how or what everyone else is doing, I am right where I need to be. I am happy and I am enough.

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

Water Seeks Its Own Level

Water seeks its own level…if you have never heard this phrase it may be a bit eye opening to you, especially when describing your romantic relationships.  Basically, it means that we attract others who have similar issues to ourselves.  It can also mean we attract people on the same path, with similar goals, similar drive and similar core values and morals.  The truth is whatever vibe you are putting out in the world is what you will attract in both situations and people.  Sometimes this can be unconscious if you don’t really know what your issues might be.  Ever wonder why you keep getting in the same relationships with different people?  Look at these people and ask yourself what issues they have that really stand out to you.  This can often be hard to admit but often their issues and struggles are similar to yours and that is why you have attracted them into your life.

In review of my recent relationship I can find both the good in him and the bad that I have probably attracted without fully realizing it.  Instead of feeling bad about it I have chose to use this as a learning experience of what I may need to work on within myself.  My ultimate goal is to raise my own level and in the process, steadily raise the standard or quality of people I attract into my life.  This also makes me laugh when I hear people talk about their crazy, jealous or insecure ex because often those descriptions that pop out at us most, well there is a reason they are popping out.

If we are self-aware and pay close enough attention, the world is constantly putting signs, signals and learning experiences right in front of our faces.  The goal is to grab those learning moments and really apply them to our lives so we can stop repeating the bad cycles in our lives and jump on the high flying wave more often.  It is easy to point fingers and blame others for our bad day or a bad relationship but the truth is we all need to look within ourselves more often and ask, what can we be doing better?  What are we attracting in our lives that we want more of?  What people in our lives inspire us to be better versions ourselves? Focus on those more and give less energy to those who leave you feeling drained and feeling bad about yourself.  Where you put your focus is where your path will lead you.  Keep your eye on the prize and your water level will rise!

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

New Beginnings

I just arrived home this evening from a trip to the Smoky Mountains where I did a little hiking and saw the beautiful changing Fall leaves.  As always, my adventures find some excitement and we woke this morning to pack up the car only to find the whole front bumper torn off by a bear, yes a bear!  Fortunately, we were able to zip tie it in a few places and after a police report and interesting conversation with the insurance company we were able to drive the car home.  This trip was a gift to my boyfriend last year for Christmas and we broke-up in July, then kind of reconnected and so we decided to take this trip together without any expectations.  We always get along well and have a nice time, but by the end of the trip I knew that we would not be getting back together.  I honestly felt like the bear was karma kicking his ass for how he has acted the passed few months.  His Prius was chewed up like a dog toy and I admit I laughed!  Sometimes you just know it is time to let go and move on.

I have mentioned my practice of meditation, prayer, visualization and law of attraction in a few of my posts.  I do believe with each experience and relationship we are making our desires in life more clear.  Even though my heart was broken in July when all of this started I have progressed through many emotions and feelings about my relationship to finally understand that it is for the best.  By hanging on I am only pushing away the potential for more in my life.  There are so many things I love about him and I know it will take time to move on.  I think knowing this trip was still going to allow us time together made it easier for me to be apart from him.   Now that the trip is over there is nothing left.  No more trips planned together, no more reasons to text or call, no more excuses to hang on to the past.  It is time to fully let go and move on.

It is hard to let go of a relationship when there is no particular incident or argument that instigated the end.  You just realize what you want in life is different from the other person, your paths do not intersect the way you hoped they would.  So it has officially been about 3 months since we broke-up and we have talked and spent time together less and less and I believe I have my full closure at this point.  I believe he would allow it to drag on as long as I would allow it and I just cannot do that anymore.  He probably thinks he will hear from me again, but I have decided I need space away from him and I plan to stick to this decision.  Usually once I make up my mind to do something I succeed.  I will simply pretend he doesn’t exist for a while so that I can let go of the comfort of having him in my world.  I need to create room for myself to grow and maybe, one day, allow a different guy in.  It is time for me to explore new beginnings in my life without anymore hesitation or wonder of what I may be leaving behind.

We often worry, what if I start moving on and then so does he? What if he dates someone else?  How will my heart feel?  Well, I have forced myself to explore those questions and I realize my ex is a very complicated man to be with and to love and I am the longest most loving relationship he says he has ever had.  So I have to remember in my heart at the end of the day, it wasn’t me or anything I said or did that ended the relationship. The next woman won’t be better, and honestly, it will probably play out much like the relationships before me.  If I were to go back it would not be any different for me either, just more mixed signals and hot and cold moods because we all know you cannot change another person. Of course it will sting to see it, but I know that I have made the best decision for myself.  Fall is a time for change and preparation for a new beginning and I am going to follow mother natures example by doing the same.  So here’s to new beginnings and bears named Karma!

With love, happiness & health

Stacy

Fall, A Time For Change

Fall is my favorite time of year and I believe it is for many.  I have always loved Halloween and Thanksgiving as well as the cozy atmosphere that comes with the crisp fall weather.  The bonfires with friends, great foods like a big pot of chili or soup simmering on the stove and taking road trips to see the beautiful changing leaves.  I have my porch decorated with mums and pumpkins and my Halloween pillows placed in my rocking chairs.  I have my candles with the great scents of apple pie, pumpkin spice and cider throughout the house.  I also remind myself that we are winding up another year and October is part of the last ninety days of 2019.  With this in mind I reflect on the process mother nature has started in the final days of the year and I try to follow in her example.

Like the trees shedding their leaves I believe Fall is a time of letting go.  I ask myself what is important for me to accomplish at the end of this year.  It may simply cleaning out closets or as a big as re-evaluating relationships.  Maybe it is time to let go of old dreams that may not suit us anymore and try focusing on new ones.  If you have had struggles in relationships it could be time to face them before the holidays.  The end of a year is just as important as the New Years Resolutions we all consider at the beginning of the year, maybe more so.   Making peace with yourself and others, creating a sense of love and family through the holidays and letting go of any negativity is a great practice at the end of the year.

We all live very busy lives and it is easy to forget what we are doing it all for.  The careers, the homes, the cars, education, the diets and exercise, running our kids to all the special events…It is easy to just get caught on the hamster wheel of life and forget to stop and take it all in.  Take the next few months to really appreciate all the hard work and accomplishment you have achieved throughout the year so far.  Slow down a little and enjoy where you are in this present moment and let go of any negative thoughts or feelings that are not serving you.  Sometimes we realize the goals and dreams we had at the beginning of a year are not the same at the end.  It is okay to change your mind, just like the changing colors of the leaves.

As I complete my mid-terms this week I will be leaving on a little trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee to spend time with the guy in my life.  We went through a break-up earlier this year and I am unsure what the future may hold for us.  As I pack and prepare I am happy and excited and no longer have the need to have all the answers.  I will enjoy this time and completely be in the moment.  I know the universe and God are putting everything in alignment and as long as I am finding the joy in each day I will come together with exactly what I desire. Don’t worry about the past or the future, just allow yourself to let all that worry go and enjoy the process, just like the natural process of the seasons changing.

With love, health, happiness and letting go for positive change,

Stacy