Don’t Lie To Yourself About Love

I find myself listening to people talk or reading text messages and I often laugh to myself or think…hmmm really?  Sometimes I am talking to friends and they say off-handed things about always working to please others, or some day I will find “the one”.   I find myself observing their life from the outside and thinking…no, you do not always work to please others and you have been married and had kids, so at some point in life I am pretty sure that woman you want to divorce was “the one”.  When people say these things, I have to admit I want to roll my eyes so hard that I may never see straight again.  Who do they think they are fooling?  We all tell stories at different points in our lives.  Stories we create because we are in denial about a relationship or stories about why we didn’t finish college or stay at a certain job.  We make excuses because maybe the truth sounds bad or makes us feel bad when we say it out loud.  We want to believe the excuses and stories we create and tell others sounds reasonable and we may tell them so many times that we actually start to believe them.   Eventually the truth will slap us in the face.

If you do not take ownership of the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, then you will continue to live a lie and those lies will grow bigger and repeat themselves over and over in different aspects of our lives, especially our relationships.  The lies we tell ourselves, even if we don’t say them out loud to others, will eat us alive.  Red flags fly up everywhere when I think about my most recent relationship and conversations I have had about love and relationships with three other guy friends.  I listen to how they talk about love & relationships and realize each one is clueless about what a truly loving and committed relationship should look like.   My ex, and the 3 male friends I have are all right around 50-years-old, so the fact that they are all so clueless is sad to me.

It seems that men often devote a lot of their energy to becoming successful and very little time to emotional intelligence and communication skills to enhance relationships.  I have read the book Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus, and many other journal articles and books.  I understand how men and women communicate and think differently.  However, at the end of the day it is not just men who are confused about love and relationships, many women believe in the idea of a soul mate and one true person to complete them as well.  Many often finding flaws in one person after another thinking, that one perfect person who will look, say and be all the right things must still be out there! At one point I also entertained the thought of romantic destiny, but the truth is, this belief negatively affects our relationships.  The belief of a soulmate often comes with the idea that a relationship should be effortless and the spark should always be there and that is just not realistic.

Society has painted a picture of how we should view and be in relationships with fairy tales and movies, but the reality is, no one is perfect.  There are many individuals that you can be compatible with, but if you are holding out for perfection you will never find it.  Even more important, we do not need another person to complete us, we should be a fully capable and happy individuals all on our own.  We are whole and complete as we are.  Another person is not meant to hold us up and complete us and they are not responsible for making us happy.  A good partnership consists of two happy and capable individuals coming together in an agreement of commitment.  A good partner is meant to compliment us in the life we want to lead because we want them there, not because we need them.  Please enjoy this amazing TED talk that explains it a little further and let me know what you think.

With love, health, happiness, and hopes for more healthy relationships,

Stacy

Staying Positive

It is just a fact of life that some days we struggle more than others to find that positive flow.  We may have a really good and obvious reason for the struggle and some days we are just in a funk that we cannot really explain.  Trying to force yourself out of the funk and to be positive is just impossible and actually not recommended.  Sometimes it is best to just fully feel the funk and own it, but in this process have a little talk with yourself.  I know the idea of talking to yourself may sound weird but the truth is most of us spend our lives in our heads having conversations we never really share out-loud with others.  So go ahead and call yourself out on your own crap and then start assessing what is going on in your life.

I don’t care who or where you are in life there is always something to be thankful for.  If there is a will there is a way to focus on the little things in life that bring you joy, I don’t care if its petting your cat or sneaking in to peek at your beautiful sleeping baby…maybe its just being grateful you have running water or clothes on your back.  Just find some starting point to be grateful and run with it.  Once you start in the process of listing all the things you are grateful for then you may want to try some other techniques to find your positive vibe.  I often use a focus wheel which can be Googled and found easily.  The basic concept is to write your intention in the middle of the circle and the ‘spokes’ of the wheel are positive intentions that help you zero in on the center goal.  You can find many examples and even free printouts, or simply create your own.  Now, these are two great starting points, but lets go a little deeper into the real quest for finding your positive.

When I am really struggling to find my mojo I ask myself a few question:  How has my diet been?  Am I drinking enough water?  Have I been getting enough exercise?  Have I been drinking more alcohol lately?  I am a big believer in the mind and body connection and how everything we process through our senses affects us to our soul.  So choose food wisely and before you consume it take time to be grateful for it and ask it to bless your body.  We already know how important water is to the body so make sure you are drinking enough because being dehydrated will affect your mood.  I believe we have all heard by now that exercise can also boost the mood so if you are not moving every day you need to find time to amp it up!  A simple walk in the early morning or after dinner in the evening is a great way to boost energy and mood.  My last question is about alcohol, but you should take into consideration all drugs or meds you may be ingesting.  Alcohol is a depressant and I can tell it has a definite affect on my mood, especially the day after consumption.  I am not talking about a hangover, I am talking about just a couple of glasses of wine will push me over the edge if I am already struggling with something in my life.  Be self-aware of what you are putting in to your body and how it may be affecting you.  What we see, hear, taste and touch affects us on a deeper level than we may realize. So consume wisely.

I am a big consumer of podcasts, audiobooks, youtube videos, guided meditations and even uplifting music when trying to find my positive mojo.  I also incorporate incense, candles, and essential oils into my home so I am receiving positive smells.  I am a big believer in massage, meditation, yoga, chiropractic adjustments, and tapping.  I incorporate all of these into my wellness process to keep a healthy, positive flow within my body and mind.  When you are taking care of yourself and creating personal spaces at work and home that give you a sense of peace it is so much easier to find your positive flow.  We all lead such crazy, busy lives that it is easy to hit a bump in the road and just go on a downward spiral.  Having a game plan and things that work for you to practice easily throughout your day can help you refocus.  I wake up each morning listing off everything I am grateful for as I go through my morning routine.  I listen to my positive music, podcasts and audiobooks on my drive to and from work.  I light a candle or incense and use oils in my bath in the evening and then do a little quiet meditation or tapping session before bed.  Sometimes I replace my morning caffeine with an herbal tea if I am feeling bummed because I know it will be more soothing to my soul.

Find your routines and explore new concepts to get you in that positive flow.  I am always looking for new ways to improve my life.  I think nature is one of the best ways to fully get mindful and realize, whatever struggles we may be going through, we are all part of something bigger, we are not alone, and knowing that makes this big, beautiful mess of life so much sweeter.

With love, health, happiness…and hopes for you all to have a fantastic and blessed day!

Stacy

Courage

Courage:  The ability to do something that frightens one.

I have struggled with many emotions since about mid-July.  With a relationship ending suddenly and without much communication it was hard to fully embrace where I stood.  The best way to describe it was feeling lost.  Yesterday I finally met with my ex and we spent four hours just driving back roads and talking.  I put everything out on the table and allowed myself to be vulnerable while coming from a place of love.  We listened and we both shared our thoughts on the relationship, our thoughts about each other and where we are in this moment of life.  By the end of the drive we agreed upon friendship and sealed it with a hug and a kiss.  I walked away feeling proud of how mature both of us handled the situation and also thinking…why is this relationship ending?

Sometimes it is hard to accept that something is over, especially when so many aspects of it were good.  It was weird to think how much closer I felt to him after that one conversation and he admitted he felt the same.  It takes courage to be willing to let go of someone you love so deeply and simply trust in the process.  It takes courage to walk away when you feel in your heart and soul that it isn’t over yet, like there is more chapters involving this person in my story.  I have many things to focus on in my life right now and a big part of it is working on bettering myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I know many people would say it is possible to grow in all those aspects while still nurturing a relationship, but sometimes there is a need to separate ourselves from others in order to grow in to who we are supposed to be.  It is scary and exciting to be moving forward on my own.  I am a empty-nester with my daughter leaving for college and my relationship is officially over and now has some closure.  I feel a sigh of relief but also a sadness.  I have people in my life who love and support me, but basically, I am alone for the first time in my life…. really alone.  No boyfriend, no roommate, no child at home… just me.

Entering my home to be greeted by my cats and my dog, my daughter gone out with her boyfriend, my final conversation of my ended relationship swirling in my head, it really sunk in that I am no longer responsible for anyone but myself.  Are we really ever alone?  No, I don’t believe so.  I feel the presence of God with me often when I get silent and still, usually in the early hours of  the morning.  I do believe things happen for a reason and we may never fully understand the reasons.  Real courage is having faith and believing that as long as we keep moving forward it will all be okay.  Let go of controlling the situation and needing to know the when, where, how and why of everything.  Learning to go with the flow and trust that life is unfolding just as it is supposed to is the best way to be. Acceptance and trust takes more courage than forcing action and pushing for answers.

Maybe in time the idea that him and I will cross paths again and the spark will return stronger than before will fade.  Maybe he will move forward and find someone new who will make him feel everything he didn’t with me.  Maybe I will find someone new, but that thought seems impossible for me right now.  I know one thing for sure, it is my time to date myself and embrace this time to fully be alone.  I have shown courage in so many aspects of my life, usually because situations forced me to and not by choice.  Today I am making the choice.  I am choosing to fully let go of all sense of attachment to everyone and everything and allowing myself to fully embrace this moment.  Embracing the freedom and courage to be and do whatever my soul desires without explanation to anyone.  Let the adventure begin!  What area of your life is requiring you to have courage?

With love, health, happiness and a little courage to all of you,

Stacy

 

 

Believe It & Receive It.

Law of attraction is something either you believe in or roll your eyes at…but much like gravity, it doesn’t matter if you believe or not because it is still constantly at work.  I have had a long and slow process with getting to know, understand and fully appreciate the law of attraction.  I would have to say at this point, my ability to manifest my desires is becoming much more streamlined.  I used to feel all over the place when trying to attract my desires and the problem with that whole sentence is the word “trying”.  Manifesting what we want in life through the law of attraction should not involve effort of any kind.

I have encountered people who say law of attraction goes against God and its witchcraft or magical thinking, and to those naysayers I simply say…you need to study more because you obviously do not understand.  Without a doubt there is a God.  I do not believe all you beautiful people exist without purpose.  I could not be a good counselor if I didn’t believe in some higher power or meaning to life.  I have studied the Tao, Buddhist books, the Bible,  Rumi, Plato, Sacrates, Eckhart Tolle, Rhonda Byrne, Carl Rogers, Carl Jung, Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks and many other great thinkers, writers, speakers, philosophers,  and psychologists throughout history.  This mixture of information has allowed me to form my own thoughts, beliefs and opinions on life, but it all really comes back to allowing, acceptance, joy and most importantly… love.

When you desire something you must understand it is already yours and believe it without doubt.  Basically, you have to believe it to receive it.  If you are feeling doubt and can’t shake it then you need to think about something else that you have no doubt about.  It can be anything you are sure of…like the love of your dog.  Look at your dog and see him or her look at you with those big loving eyes wagging that tail that makes their whole body sway and feel the full joy in your heart of knowing without a doubt that fur baby loves you and stay in that moment as long as you can.  Find things like that all day long that keep you feeling the consistent love and joy to your core.  The more you stay in that place of love the more you remain in the place of receiving, or what I like to call manifesting and some of you who listen to Abraham Hicks know as the vortex.

Recently I have really taken my ability to focus on the positive and get into the vortex to a whole new level and the results have been amazing.  I struggle some days more than others but, like anything, the more you practice the better you get.  I highly recommend if you are new to the idea of the law of attraction and manifesting that you listen to some free YouTube videos of Abraham Hicks, or watch The Secret on Netflix.  I also love the audio book The Power when I feel the need to reset my mind in a positive direction and there is a free movie called The Shift with Dr. Wayne Dyer that really opens your mind to a more positive way of thinking.

Another great way to really bring great things you desire into your life faster is to constantly give thanks to God for all you have, from the electricity and running water in your home to the ability to see, taste, feel and touch with your body.  I say thank you hundreds of times a day.  Being grateful and counting your blessings brings more of what you are grateful for.  I highly encourage you to avoid thinking or talking about negative things you dislike or do not want in your life and avoid gossip as well because law of attraction does not just work to attract good things into your life, it can also attract the bad.  What we think, feel, and say most is what we will continue to have in our lives.  How we treat others and speak to others also comes back to us in life so treat others how you want to be treated.  The law of attraction is always at work.

With love, happiness, health and positive thoughts coming your way,

Stacy

 

 

What Do YOU Want?

It has been a month since my four year relationship ended.  The grief process has been hard but with my knowledge and growth I feel pretty proud of myself for how well I have handled everything.  The level of emotional intelligence I have gained through my own experiences & relationships, as well as my studies in the field of psychology, have been a great asset in the process of moving forward.  Sometimes, even as a therapist, it is hard to apply what we know to our own situation when we are hurting.

In the moment that I decide to commit to the conversation I knew it was going to end our relationship.  His immediate response with both his words and body language made it obvious.  In review of my relationship, replaying and analyzing things that were said and done and talking with my friends about it all, I finally came to the conclusion that he would never really tell me how he feels.  The hardest part is, there was never a real ending, no words shared that stated specifically this is over and this is why, it just kind of faded out.  The words of I love you and I need space just left hanging in the air for weeks upon weeks without any attempt to reach out.  At some point we just have to let go and make peace with the fact that the other person may never contact us again.  So many mixed signals, doubts and misunderstandings can make a person start to question the whole relationship and I just could not go there anymore.  That is when it was decided that I would not continue to let my hopes hang in the balance.  Instead, I would just let that dream go and ask myself who do I want to be and what do I really want in my life?

We all know one of the best things a person can do after a relationship ends is to re-evaluate ourselves and where we are in life.  What could I have done differently in the relationship?  What was I giving up to keep the relationship alive?  What did I learn from this relationship?  Once you are no longer making time for another individual you start to ask yourself, what do I really want to do now?  One of the things I am most proud of in this whole process is I never allowed myself to really wallow.  I had moments of sadness, but I didn’t allow myself to stay in those moments.  I have been active, doing things with friends, and always focusing on the positive.  Even though there are moments when I become frustrated, hurt and even angry at him and the situation I have quickly pulled myself out of that negativity and listed the many positives he brought into my life.

Not having much contact with each other has also been beneficial in the healing process.  I think it is important for everyone to research the benefits of the “no-contact rule” when you are trying to navigate the first few months after a break-up.  Even though my ex and I did have some contact points they were brief and mostly through text. Trying to revert into a friendship immediately after a break-up or continuing to see each other on a regular basis just opens wounds over and over making it almost impossible to heal.  It takes time and space to gain clarity on what really happened and how you plan to move forward.  It also leaves less opportunity for things to be said or done that one may regret later.

Often we stay in relationships longer than we should because its familiar and comfortable and change can be scary.  I knew I wanted more out of the relationship I was in and I had hoped the initiation of a conversation might lead to both of us agreeing to put in the work necessary to make the relationship better.  However, it was quickly apparent that he had no desire to put in any effort and that hurt tremendously.  I am a hard worker in every aspect of my life and walking away from anything without putting in some effort, especially after four years, was like a gut punch for me in so many aspects.  Once I realized there would be no talking, no working on things, I began to ask myself…What do I really want?

As I start this new chapter in my life I realize that there is most definitely a bigger plan and I also know that I have attracted all people and situations to myself.  The people I have attracted into my life in the last month have been some of the most supportive and positive individuals I have ever known, so I know I am on the right path.  My  relationship was a growth opportunity for me in so many ways.  I felt my patience and love tested and I feel I passed the test with flying colors.  I handled myself as a strong and loving individual even on the days that I wanted to cry myself to sleep. I know moving forward I will never be the same and I will always love him, but now, I must ask myself….What do you want Stacy?  I look forward to sharing my journey through this semester of my masters program, the next two years are going to be a journey of self discovery for sure.  My professors assure me I will not be the same person once I complete this program….I have no doubt I will only get better!

With love, happiness, and health (emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually)

Stacy

 

Changing with Love

Sometimes we encounter a difficult time in our relationships that causes both people to re-evaluate themselves, the relationship and life in general.  In these moments you can feel like the world is crashing down around you because nothing seems to be what you thought.  Those moments of chaos can be very emotional, but when things start to come into focus again you can see the chaos was necessary.  It is not always easy to stay logical and positive in the chaos, but if you respond in a strong and respectful way to the process you may find, with a little patience, the love will return.

I knew my relationship had some issues from the beginning, let’s face it, all relationships do.  We all bring our own quirks and expectations to the table and when we are rejected because of those quirks or our expectations are not met, things start to fall apart.  I often write about acceptance, unconditional love, and finding true happiness within yourself.  We all know we cannot change other people, they have to want to make the changes necessary to be a happier, healthier person.  I often hear people say you should not ever want to change a person but at 41-years-old I am here to tell you, everyone should want to change. There is nothing wrong with completely accepting yourself as you are in this moment and at the same time also knowing that there is always room to improve in some areas of your life.  Fully accept that others may point out ways you can change and understand that it is not always an insult, but can be an act of love.

How you communicate with the person you love is the key to creating a safe environment for positive change.  Many couples who marry young understand this most of all.  No individual is the same person at 30 that they were at 20 and no 40 year old is the same person they were at 30.  The more life we live the more likely life experiences occur that can change us to the core.  Getting married, divorced, having children, experiencing loss of a loved one, sickness of a loved one, finishing college, getting a great job, losing a great job, traveling, financial securities and insecurities, health issues, accidents…there are so many factors that create who we are and explain the why.  Learning a persons story is so important to the love process.  So if a person doesn’t open up and share their stories of why, then how can love fully blossom?

A person has to trust you and be ready to share their personal story, because some parts of their story may be really hard.  When we are young, scared, lonely, sad, depressed, insecure, unsure of what we want in life or who we are, we may make bad choices.  This can be a hard thing to admit to a person we love later because we risk rejection and shame with our vulnerability.  The truth is, if you cannot be vulnerable with the people you love most then you are denying yourself the most rewarding type of love in life.  Change sometimes begins with just laying it all out on the table and telling your story, the good, the bad and the ugly.  Accept yourself and remind them that the person standing in front of them that they love so much would not be this person if it were not for all the past experiences.  So if they cannot accept your past then they never loved the real you.

Knowing and accepting are the first steps to a strong relationship with anyone.  To truly know a person and still accept them is the first step in the process of allowance.  Allowance opens the door to deeper love and the opportunity to grow and change for the better.  We all understand that it is one thing to finally find acceptance of yourself but completely another to find total acceptance and love from another human being.  You will find a joy that brings the desire to do and be better because human connection is such an important part of a happy life.  Sometimes it takes time for a person to feel safe enough to allow themselves to let down the walls and tell their story.  They have created a facade of having it all together on the outside with the success, money, clothes, travel and material things, but they are struggling on the inside.  When, or if, they do finally decide to open up they will find why people say money cannot buy happiness.  As cliche as it sounds, we all know true wealth is in the loving relationships we build in life.

You cannot run away every time things get hard, you have to share and communicate, you have support and listen, you have to choose to be in the relationship and actively take part every day, not just coast on autopilot letting the other person carry the weight.  As we change and grow through the stages of life we start to really see the value in finding those people who push a little change in our face.  Those people who challenge us are the ones we should value most.  We may be resistant at first and even feel hurt by the idea that we might need to change in some way, but acceptance does not always mean accepting things exactly as they are.  Sometimes it means accepting that a little change may be necessary in order to truly know love.

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy