Choose Positive

Often we go through life all willy-nilly and not really aware of the thoughts and feelings going on within us in response to the world around us.  We may believe we do not have any control over those thoughts and feelings even if we are aware.  The truth is we do have control, every situation in life is an opportunity to train ourselves to choose more wisely.  Too often we allow ourselves to get into a routine that causes us to just be okay and fine, and okay and fine is really not the words you use when describing a truly fulfilling life.  Many people are going through the motions and just maintaining not really living.  So how do you get yourself out of this day to day funk and really start embracing all of the crazy beautiful mess of life going on around us?  Well, you start with the small stuff and as you add more positive vibes into your life the more amazing your life will become, not just fine or okay….AMAZING!

Each day that I get my butt out of bed I say thank you…just in general I am thankful to have that moment.  As I move through my morning routine I am thankful for everything, feeding my pets, watering my plants, making my coffee, brushing my teeth with running water, making my bed….there really is so much to be thankful for!  Taking time to be thankful is an easy way to start the positive vibes flowing.  Listening to positive music that gets you motivated and feeling good, meditation and prayer, watching something positive on TV or listening to a good audio book or pod cast are all excellent ways to help you stay in touch with your positive vibe.

When interacting with people it becomes harder to keep the positive flow.  Everything can be going along just fine at home in my own space with my cats and dog and plants, maybe even my daughter (who is basically a mini-me), but when we get out and about moods and reactions, thoughts and feelings….it can change quickly.  It is no secret that others moods can affect ours so if a co-worker is in a crappy mood they can quickly suck you in.  Be aware of these influences and avoid joining in on the complaining, excuses and gossip that plague some people on a daily basis.  If you can’t reroute the conversation to a more positive focus then just find a nice way to bow out.  If you do find yourself joining in a conversation that takes a negative turn never let it stay there.  If you admitted being frustrated or disliking something about a person, before walking away from the topic state a positive.  Never leave negative words hanging in the air.

Find joy in the simple things.  The sun is shining through the trees, there is a nice breeze blowing, there are pretty flowers blooming, the smell of coffee brewing, your cat still loves you….take time to fully take it all in and appreciate what the world has to offer.  So often we rush through life like its one big to-do list and we fail to stop and smell the roses.  You have to slow it down and savor the moments and in doing so this will create a greater appreciation for life in general.  Take time to pause and try to look at the world in different light.  Push yourself to see things through a child’s eyes….with curiosity and wonder.  Take pause in your day to be completely present, listen to the sounds surrounding you, how your body feels, the smells, tastes and really look around.  Take long deep breaths and ask yourself where you feel tense areas in your body.  Focus on breathing in to those areas and letting yourself relax.

When dealing with stressful moment in life it is sometimes hard to be thankful, not talk about the crap, or relax the tense areas in the body….it can just be a real struggle to find the positive.  Sometimes we want to wallow in the moment and fully feel the negative for a bit.  Don’t force yourself to try to be happy and positive in these moments.  Fully embrace it knowing it will be temporary.  It is good to fully experience the downs of life so we can fully appreciate the ups.  If the only positive you can take away in the moment is the feeling will eventually pass and the situation will eventually change, then that will be enough.

Just remember at the end of the day what you think about and speak about most is what you will see more of in your life.  So the more positive, loving and grateful you are the more positive, love and things to be grateful for will appear.  They say smile even if you don’t feel like it and the body and brain will naturally release a more positive vibe in the body.  So find reasons to be thankful and smile because it will get better.

With love, happiness, health and positive vibes to all of you,

Stacy

Chill-Out & Let It Be!

I have blogged about acceptance in the past and I strongly feel that acceptance is one of the greatest keys to happiness.  I believe that we are all living life and having experiences and through those experiences, (whether we know it or not), we are choosing what we want and don’t want in our lives.  With each job you have, each relationship you have, every place you travel….you are figuring out who you are and what you want most in life.  Sometimes there are things in our lives that come along that we may want really badly and it scares us because we want it so bad.  In this moment we begin to focus more on the fear of what we don’t want instead of keeping the focus on what we do want.

Often in these times of desire we may create positive visualizations and meditate, focusing on the desire, but the belief inside of us is still in conflict, it doesn’t feel achievable for some reason.  In these moments you have to walk away from the focus because your just not ready to believe it yet.  Maybe you feel it’s too good to be true because of past experiences.  Maybe you are over-analyzing because you just can’t see how it can be done.  Or maybe someone says or does something that just puts doubt in your mind.  Whatever it is that is blocking you from believing that it is already done has to be ignored and you have to find a way to just get yourself back in the mindset of knowing.

In this time I like to refer myself back to areas of my life where I have strong faith and create that sense of gratitude within my soul.  People who love and support you, a home, your car, running water, air conditioning, clothes & shoes, food, a job, your pets, coffee…whatever you can think of spend the day being thankful for all of it.  Don’t let your mind wander back to the doubt, worry, and frustration of what you want but can’t seem to get.  You must chill-out and let it be. Sometimes it helps to have a real life example so here is my situation.

Currently my relationship is in a weird place because my boyfriend of four years and I have broke-up.  There is this strong love between us and nothing awful really happened to end the relationship so something just feels off within me.  I have this longing for more of a connection & passion in the relationship and he has great fear of  fully letting down his walls and letting someone in and so this challenge has lead to our separation. Space and time is needed to re-evaluate the relationship and strong feelings from all directions are whirling within me and I am sure within him as well.  It is easy to create stories of doubt, worry, and betrayal when you suddenly stop contact and just allow yourself to be without another person.  On the other hand you feel something deeper within your soul that just connected you to this other being for years.  There are two ends of the spectrum and you have to accept the possibility of both outcomes.  The space will either create a greater desire and a longing that was not realized before or the space will make it clear that it is time to let go and move on.

Put your desire out into the universe through prayers and meditation and then chill-out and let it be.  Don’t try to control the situation or force it.  The desire has been put into your heart and God knows where you stand.  Yes, this is easier said than done but remain positive and understand that what is best for both hearts involved will happen.  Rest in peace knowing and have faith in the fact that whatever is in your best interest will naturally flow to you without you taking action.  If you truly love them sometimes you have to be willing to let them go, sometimes they return and sometimes they don’t.  Being happy within yourself is the key to really being able to do this.  Your happiness and self worth does not lie within the other person.  If they don’t choose to be with you it doesn’t really have anything to do with you, even if they say it does.  Being with another person in a long term, committed relationship is a choice that is made by both people every day.  Its not a spark, or some unspoken magic that is created.  It may feel like a spark and strong magical desire in the beginning but we all know at the end of the day its about choices.  I want someone who wakes up each day and continues to choose me.

If you are struggling with wanting something in your heart and the desire is so big that worry and doubt begin to creep in you have to back off from it.  I find that distracting myself with exercise, meditation, going out with friends, or hobbies are great ways to avoid the downward spiral.  Just be careful talking to some friends and getting into a conversation that over-analyzes a situation.  The book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus speaks strongly to this difference in men and women in this aspect.  Men turn within themselves, go into a cave in a sense when they need space to think about heavy subjects.  Women like to talk it out and sometimes we tend to talk it to death.  As I always say, balance is key; talk to your supportive people to get some relief and perspective on the situation and then allow yourself to chill out and let it be.

Patience and time are important but maintaining that sense of complete faith and positive vibes are equally important.  So if thinking about that particular situation does not bring joy in the moment, allow yourself to let it go and focus on something that does.  It doesn’t mean you don’t care, actually quite the opposite.   It means you trust that the best will happen without you interfering in the process.  Complete acceptance.

With love, happiness, health and acceptance,

Stacy

 

 

Lessons of Letting Go

Sometimes we stay in a relationship for far too long and often we believe that we are the ones who have to grow more or be more or do more in order to make the relationship better.  Then one day we decide maybe we will never be enough for this person to be happy and the relationship ends.  However, somewhere along the way we may be allowed a window of opportunity to see how walking away feeling less than the other person is completely wrong.  The universe allows us to see the truth before we walk away.

We often paint a picture of this strong, successful, good looking individual who seems to have it all together on the surface, we put the one we love on a pedestal, but it’s not always what it seems.  A life full of surface relationships where you never open up and allow yourself to be real and vulnerable is never going to be fulfilling.  Being on the other end of it and trying to break through the surface for something deeper is never fulfilling either.  It becomes a very one sided relationship with one person constantly wondering how to talk about things and the other person avoiding the talk like the plague.

Initiating conversation only to meet avoidance and defensive behavior.  Resolving to give space and let them to come to you, but they never do.  So in an attempt to resolve the matter and at least get some kind of closure you reach out again.  Finally, you realize this person has not only avoided the problem, but ran away completely.  Finally admitting they are wrong and apologizing, but really all you want is for them to be real, open, and honest.  This moment never comes.  The answers for why things fell apart never come because maybe they don’t know or maybe their reasons are just as surface & shallow as their efforts in the relationship.  The apologies and acknowledgement & understanding of anger & frustration is not what is needed, we often know our own feelings and understand how we got to the point we are at.  It’s the longing to understand the other individual.  When someone is with you for years and is not willing to look inside themselves far enough to try and give some kind of explanation it just seems selfish and hurtful, but in this moment we start to see the truth.

The truth reveals all avenues were explored and all measure were taken to make sure the relationship was viable and in realizing that the effort to do so was not only not matched but flat out denied the answer was clear.  It was never about being enough, it was never really about you at all.  To love a person unconditionally and accept them fully is really quite rare but I have found the capability to do so.  This has allowed me a level of clarity that does not place blame on myself or the other person in relationships of any kind.  You simply see the other person is closed off, the energy and light is missing from them and the harder you work to light the fire and passion within them the more you feel your light dimming.  It is simply not the job of another being to light the fire within.  We must all find it in ourselves.

Some people spend their lives looking for fulfillment outwardly, in travel, great food, adventures in the outdoors, beautiful homes, cars and other material possessions and that can be exciting and so empowering for a while.  To share those things with others is also extremely rewarding. However, true fulfillment is not found in the outward things, its a deep connection found within.  That connection must be found within and then also shared in relationships for true growth and fulfillment to occur.  This process requires being vulnerable and open to risk with others and can be so rewarding when you actually achieve that deeper human connection.  You can actually sense it in people, sometimes before they even speak you can feel it radiate from them.

It is not a touchy-feely, overly emotional, share all my feelings kind of being.  It is a weird mix of strength, knowing and ability to love and accept without expectations or conditions.  An understanding of when to let parts of yourself out and when to remain quiet.  Much like how a tree grows and just accepts that is must bend to reach the sun and it must lose some parts of itself in the storms that come, but with time and maturity it becomes stronger and the roots go deeper allowing the tree to withstand whatever comes its way with complete allowing.  Don’t force your growth, just allow it to happen over time, allow the experiences and relationships to flow without the pressure of expectations.  You will know when it is time to let parts of yourself go and move closer to the sun to reignite that light within you….growing a little stronger.

With love, health, happiness,

Stacy

Sharing a Dream

There is a definite vulnerability in sharing your dreams with someone.  I don’t just mean telling someone about your dreams but also letting that person know they are part of your dreams.  I am going through this process in my life right now.  I have been hurt before, assuming everything is going well, then realizing my dreams for the future and his were not in alignment at all.  The slap in the face moment left me a bit broken and the process of picking up the pieces and rebuilding my self-esteem has been a bit of a struggle.  With all of that being said, I have fears even when things seem to be going well.  To me, being vulnerable has often meant the beginning of the end, especially in relationships.

So here I am, a little over 4 years in to a relationship and I feel like everything is great and we both really love each other, but the cards have never really been laid out on the table.  I need to hear it and know for sure that my hopes and dreams for the future align with his.  After going back to school and doing a lot of soul searching and growth within myself I feel courageous enough to lay all my cards on the table and strong enough to accept the truth…the whole truth and nothing but the truth (so help me God).  I avoid serious conversations, or what many refer to as “the talks” like the plague and my boyfriend is even more introverted and even more bajigity when it comes to this kind of thing.  I often build myself up through my day with how to start the conversation and ask the hard questions and then get home from a long day of work and anticipation and sit next to him on the couch all comfortable and tired and think….this is not the right time.  The truth is, in order for a relationship to be truly happy and fulfilling we have to have the hard conversations.  We have to address the hard stuff in order to grow and move forward and get to the really good stuff.

I can assume by all the wonderful gestures and things in our relationship that we are totally on the same page but assumptions are bad…we all know it.  If something goes bad between us tomorrow and he says…well I never said ABC… then I would not only be heart broken I would be mad at him and myself.  Where we stand in life has to be stated to those we share a life with.  If our dreams are big and beautiful in our mind but we never share them with others then we may be missing out. What if the other person has dreams even better than yours that do involve you?  What if they have been just as scared and nervous to share their dreams to and your willingness to finally be vulnerable opens the door to a much closer bond? On the flip side, what if you realize your dreams are not the same and it gives you the opportunity to address it sooner than later?   Realizing you are not in alignment is not the end of the world it just means you adjust your dreams so that you can follow the path the universe is just now ready for you to see.

The truth is, people are put in our lives for different reasons and sometimes only for seasons.  Even though it may hurt really bad to see them go, it also means you are growing in some way and ready to move to the next step.  We have to be willing to accept when we are growing a lot and courageously working through each hardship, charging towards our goals, some may not be able to keep up.  You want a partner that sees you being courageous, working hard and charging forward and they think…Yes! That is my girl(man) and I want to be right there with her(him)!  A partner who can support you, cheer you on, challenge you and share dreams and life with you is the best kind.  Don’t cry, beg and plead for them to stay in your life or share in your dream if they are being honest about their own and it doesn’t align.  They are doing you a favor by being honest and this means that as much as you love the person in front of you, there is absolutely someone else who will actually share your dreams.  Even more, as hard as it is to imagine in that moment, you will most likely love the next person even more than the one who doesn’t share your dreams!

Knowing that you love someone and that they are on board in sharing your dreams creates a whole new kind of dynamic in a relationship.  The excitement and desire to tackle the world together builds when you realize that you have a true partner in every aspect.  So don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, lay your cards on the table and have the hard talks….your dreams depend on it.

With love, health and happiness, and willingness to shoot for the stars,

Stacy

It’s Not My Job To Make You Happy

I have been learning to really set boundaries in my life and the one I struggle with the most is when my significant other is struggling.  I find when he is in a bad mood three thoughts go through my mind… Is it my fault?  What can I do to help fix it?  If I can’t fix it, what can I do to make him just feel better?  This is probably the natural reaction when you love someone, but I had a realization that maybe I take that responsibility a little too far.  When I start considering things that are outside my comfort zone, like using my day off to cover at the restaurant when he is perfectly capable of doing it, is not really necessary.  Making sacrifices for those we love is good at times but consistently doing so at the cost of our own needs is really not healthy and ultimately damaging to the relationship over time.

If I worked at the restaurant and he took that time to go relax, knowing that it could be me relaxing on my day off, I would probably become resentful over time.  It isn’t like he can come in to my job and cover for me when I am struggling!  So what is it in some of us that makes us feel responsible or guilty if we don’t jump in to save the day at every opportunity?  Well, I think it may be different for all of us and depend on the situation but at the root of it we simply feel the happiness of the ones we love is something we are partly responsible for, but the truth is, we are not….not in any way.

I have always believed that the attitude we have each day is a choice and we can choose to make struggles ruin our mood or try our best to focus on the positive.  Some days the ability to stay focused on the positive is easier than others.  Some situations are just hard no matter how you spin it and we just have to be understanding that our loved ones are human and we all have bad days.  Offer to listen or help if you can but don’t take on their problems fully, keep a boundary and know, ultimately, this is something they have to deal with.  In turn understanding when you are the one dealing with a bad day that it is up to you to make a choice on how to respond to what comes your way and how to work through it, it is not up to others to fix it or make you happy.  When two individuals in a relationship take full responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and actions then you can really see the fruits of a strong relationship developing.

Offer to listen, offer to help in some ways but not at the cost of your own happiness and just give them space.  Sometimes the best support is to just remove yourself from the situation completely.  If someone is in a bad mood they are more likely to lash out and snap at those around them, especially those they love the most.  Seeing the warning signs and removing yourself from the opportunity to argue can be the best thing to do.  Bad moods can be contagious and if you hang around they can suck you in.  Choosing to rise above it and keep your positive vibes can be hard when your loved one is being difficult. Knowing it is just a mood and not taking it personal can help to not engage and respond in kind.  Love, acceptance and boundaries are the key to a long and lasting relationship with anyone and setting healthy boundaries in a romantic relationship can be the hardest.  We are often taught that when we enter a relationship we become one with the other person and I really dislike that description.  A healthy relationship requires understanding you are two completely different individuals working together as a team, not as one.

With love, happiness and heathy boundaries,

Stacy