Perspective

If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that perspective is everything.  How you choose to apply situations and other peoples words and attitudes in any given moment can make or break you.  When a string of negative events occur, like you stub your toe on the way to the bathroom as soon as you get out of bed, then you spill your coffee in the car on the way to work…we can easily think “it’s going to be a craptastic day and I should go back to bed”.  The key is to not let 2 negative events ruin your whole day.  Just like you should refuse to allow one ‘Negative Nancy’ making a negative comment to you not ruin your day.  The attitude you take on in those moments will determine what comes your way next.  If you handle each moment with grace and humility, choosing not to let it get you down, then you will see a change for the better. How you choose to respond to life can change your life.

Don’t take it personal.  I cannot say this enough, especially to my teenage daughter!  Nothing in life is really a personal attack on you.  The universe or God is not trying to punish you for something when you have a bad day.  If you stub your toe and spill your coffee, maybe you are just meant to slow down and enjoy the morning and stop rushing through your day.  That is a lot better perspective than just assuming the whole day is ruined. Learning to find a positive spin in every situation is a great practice.  Being able to take what could be seen as a lemon of a day and turn it into lemonade can be very refreshing!

Don’t get stuck in other people’s thoughts and emotions about you.  Other people may lash out in anger or jealousy, maybe even guilt or shame, towards you at different points in your life.  It is good to take responsibility for your part, but understand the difference between owning your own mistakes and taking on others negativity.    You know where you stand on morals, values, beliefs, and if someone tries to label you it says more about who they are than it does you.  Let those words roll off like water and stand strong in knowing who you are.

Be more of a listener and observer than a talker.  God gave us two ears and two eyes and only one mouth.  I think that is because he wanted us to listen and observe more than he wanted us to run our mouth.  Your perspective of others can change when you listen and observe the world around you instead of just going through your day on auto-pilot.  Watch how others behave and the words they speak of others, this will give you a lot of insight into who the person really is.  This will also make you more aware of yourself and what you may be putting out into the world for others to hear and see about you.  People find it so easy to spew nasty comments on social media or through text messages instead of looking someone in the eye.  Many do not realize, these quick and often thoughtless comments say a lot about a person and can be more damaging to them than to the person they are talking to or about.

Practice Privacy.  I know at first this may seem like an odd suggestion when it comes to perspective but keeping your life private to some degree can create a different perspective for you and others.  When you are in a relationship with the love of your life I believe there is a special intimacy that should be kept just between the two of you.  You don’t need to share every detail to your friends or post every bouquet of flowers on social media.  This need to advertise our “perfect” life or relationship and create a perspective to others that we are always living the dream is exhausting.  When you share a special moment or a private joke with a parent, friend, or lover just keep it for yourself.    You don’t have to post every picture taken on your vacation to the Bahamas.  Keeping certain parts of your life sacred can create a tighter bond with those you are really sharing it with. When others do not know details of your relationships then they cannot have an input, which is sometimes a really good thing.  If you want authentic relationships then don’t advertise them and open yourself to the opinions of others.

You Are Flawed. I often ask myself what I can be doing better.  When I hear my boyfriend talk about his employees I find myself wondering if I do those positive or negative things he points out.  The truth is we all have room for improvement and we can all learn something from others.  You never want to think you are the best and the brightest in the room. There is a difference between confidence and being full of yourself.  If you always have to get the last word or always be right, if you need others to agree with you or you assume if they don’t they are wrong and they are stupid….well then you are most likely the one with the problem.  Be willing to really listen, put yourself in other peoples shoes and treat others how you want to be treated.  Everyone has a different story, all of us are unique and have reasons for why we think, feel and believe the way we do and no one is perfect.  Coming from a perspective of  an open heart as well as an open mind can be life changing.

With love, health and positive perspectives on life,

Stacy

 

 

 

 

 

Time

The world around us seems to be consumed with time.  Every day we are all on a schedule from what time we get up, eat, go to work, get off work, and sleep again.  This process day after day can eventually make us feel like we are all just a bunch of hamsters on a wheel.  We think of the past and may have thoughts of guilt, shame or hurt, and we carry those negative thoughts and feelings with us.  We think of the future and we may constantly be working towards a future goal of a better job, nicer home, a new car, a great relationship, or more money in the bank.  When we tend to be consumed with thoughts of the past or goals for the future we rush through the only thing that is really important…the present moment.

Time is just an illusion and a tool to help us through our day to day lives; it is not meant to be the controlling or key factor that our lives revolve around.  We should not fear time or race against time or wish for more time but instead simply embrace the now.  So how can you move your thought process more into the present?  How can we practice becoming more conscious and appreciative of where we are right now instead of worrying about the past or the future?  Well I will list my top five practices that can help you get started and lead you to a life that is free from the worry associated with time.

Meditation:  Many people I know struggle to be alone and would really struggle with the idea of spending time alone and quiet with themselves.  However, one of the best ways to really learn about yourself and the world around you is to learn to be alone and get silent.  Quiet time for prayer and meditation is one of the most important tools to bring a person into the present moment fully.  Being able to sit comfortably in your home, with no distractions like TV or radio, and just take in the feelings within your body.  Breath deep in and out a few times and just listen to the sounds around you, smell the room, be aware of how your body feels, do you feel stress or tension in some areas of your body?  As you sit and allow yourself to be fully aware of that moment you can choose to focus on something certain that you desire or you can just enjoy the practice of being fully in the now.  You do not have to be home alone in order to do this process.  I have instructed my daughter to use this tool anywhere, especially when she is having a day where she is feeling overwhelmed or anxious.  At your desk you can just take a moment to stop and take in the sounds, sights and smells of the room around you and ask yourself how you are feeling right in that moment.  Doing this a few times a day is like hitting the reset button and simply brings you back to yourself, pulling you away from worries about the past or what you need to do for the future.  Just focus on what you can do right now.

Finding Joy in Solitude:  Bringing yourself into the present and become more conscious and self aware while finding something you enjoy and doing it alone.  Solitude is key in the process of knowing thy self.  If you like to write, paint, go hiking, do yoga, sing….whatever it is that you really enjoy; practice doing it alone and be fully in the moment with no distractions.  Pay attention to how your body feels and the sights and smells and what you hear just like you would when you are meditating.  I know people who love to read and take time each morning to read from the bible and then they meditate on the scripture before they start each day.  This combines the enjoyment of reading Gods word with the power of meditation and prayer and can be a very positive and powerful way to start the day.

A Motto or Mantra for Your Life:  Sometimes we can get so busy and lives get chaotic with work, kids, friends, family and life that we lose track of what our personal goals are in life.  It is good to stop and refocus and re-evaluate life every now and then.  It is easy to refocus when you have a mantra that you repeat to yourself that is easy to remember.  When I feel chaos in my life and things are getting too hard I remind myself of my mantras, ‘money comes easily and often’ and ‘love starts within’.  These two mantras were created because I struggle with remembering that money is not elusive and hard to come by like I was taught by my parents.  The second one is to remind me that what I think about myself will set the tone for how another see and treat me.  When struggling financially or feeling insecure in a relationship the negative thinking can creep in and that is when it is good to refocus and repeat your mantras.  Bad experiences or negative thought patterns from our past can creep into our lives now and cause problems that do not apply to the now, use mantras as a tool to remind yourself that you have learned from the past and will be better now. Repeating your mantras can be a nice focus tool during meditation as well.

Feed the Body & Rest the Soul:  Now we get into a little deeper idea for the now that will affect your body inside and out. There are two things we do everyday, or we should, and that is eat and sleep.  These are two of the most important things we will do in our lives and they will affect us on many levels.  When, where, what, how and with whom you choose to do them is very important.  Eat when you are hungry and only until you are satisfied, do not over-indulge.  Choose food that will nourish your body and make sure you give thanks for the food and the nourishment the food will provide for your body.  Focus on how the food will affect your body in a positive way.  If you believe the food will not affect your body in a positive way then you will be right and that is where negative effects like weight gain will occur.  Do not rush through meals, do not stand or drive while eating meals, do not watch TV while eating.  Give your meal the respect it deserves because you are what you eat.  Do not eat a meal with someone who causes you negative feelings about yourself or life in general.  Negativity while eating will lead to disease in the body and possible overeating or nervous stomach.  Eating in a positive and loving environment with family and friends and saying grace before and thank you after a meal is enjoyed is the best and most healthy way to eat.  The same with sleep, do not allow yourself to sleep too much or too little because both can cause health issues.  If you find you are tired all the time you need to ask yourself why, could there be signs of depression or other health issues are you not giving yourself a heathy amount of sleep?  Give yourself a peaceful and comfortable place to sleep each night with no distractions of electronics.  Make sure if you have a sleeping partner that you share a moment of appreciation and love with that person before you go to bed each night.  I think most of us have heard the wise words, never go to bed mad at one another, and those are very wise words to live by.  Being completely focused on your body and the food when eating and completely focused on your body and the peaceful and positive mantras you have set for yourself as you go to sleep each night can be life changing for your mind and health.

Give Thanks & Show Gratitude:  The most important tool for keeping yourself in the now and fully conscious is to be thankful.  Be thankful for who you are, where you are in life, what you have right now and who you have in your life.  To be truly grateful in life right in the moment is a great way to bring more greatness into your life.  If we are overly focused on what we don’t have or what we want in the future without ever acknowledging all the wonderful things we are blessed with in the present moment, then we will continue to struggle for the elusive thing we call happiness.  To be truly happy is to be content with exactly who we are and what we have and where we are in this very moment.

These basic tools are the foundation of a happy and healthy life that will help you practice each day to be in the now and lead to a happier, healthier peace within you. Always remember to choose love over hate.  Our actions, words, thoughts and beliefs reflect who we are and what we attract into our lives…keep it positive and from a place of love and respect and the world will bring more love and respect into your life.

Sincerely,

With love, health and happiness right now…

Stacy

Lessons Never Learned

I am a big promoter of constantly asking what can be learned from every situation, good or bad.  I think if you can take a step back from each situation and reflect you can always find something gained, strength, knowledge, a deeper insight into life or yourself.  So when I encounter an individual who seems to be blind to obvious learning opportunities or valuable advice is given to them over and over by multiple wise individuals and they choose to ignore it, I am amazed.  I have encountered two individuals in my life who light a fire within me that is a mix of frustration, confusion, intrigue and shock at how they choose to live their lives.  I have tried to advise and help both of these women and realize that denial is a soul sucking and knowledge draining leach on some individuals.  I think when people refuse to see the obvious it is most likely because they are in denial and lying to themselves because of insecurity, guilt or shame.

The first person I think of is a woman in her fifties who has a skin disease that causes her some pain and discomfort, but is somewhat controlled by medication.  She is also looking for a job to relocate closer to family.  These are two very separate situations but how she chooses to handle them is very much the same.  She is a smoker, doesn’t really exercise and her diet is not great either.  Yet, she constantly complains about her disease and asks me for advice about natural remedies to help with the symptoms.  Her doctor has already told her to quit smoking because it will help her meds work better and may even put the disease in remission, but she just chooses to ignore that suggestion and ask me for alternative advice.  She did not graduate high school and needs to complete her GED.  I have given her the location and information to do this, but she ignores this information and just continues to apply for jobs that require being a high school graduate or having your GED in hopes that they will make an exception.  Why?  Why ask for more advice when you refuse to take the valuable advice already given to you?

Then I have a friend in her late forties who has been cheated on by her last 2 boyfriends and not even two months after breaking up with the last one she is already practically living with another guy.  She skips from one guy to the next and gets involved so quickly and even when she sees warning signs of issues she ignores them because she is just so desperate to have someone.  I remind her of similar situations in her past and how she said she would be different next time, but she chooses to ignore it. She will try to explain to me how this time is different. Why is she repeating the same mistakes over and over and hoping for different results?  Why call me and ask to be a reference on an apartment or a job or ask advice about relationships if you are going to ignore it?

These are two examples of women in my personal life that need counseling and may not realize it.  They are in denial but do they know they are in denial?  Are they just stubborn and refuse to admit that what is wise is not what they want in the moment?  Do they really not know the best way to handle the situation or is doing the wise thing too hard and they are just too lazy or weak to even try?  What happened to them in their life to make them ask for advice over and over but never act upon it?  Do they just enjoy talking about their problems and having attention on them?  If they actually take the correct advice and apply it and it works then they won’t have the problem anymore and then the attention they received will no longer be an option.  I think this could be the issue for my first case study.  However, I think the second one is a bit more complicated.

I believe the first case study simply does not want to change her habits, she is looking for the magic pill to heal her.  She is too lazy to go back to school, change her diet, exercise or quit smoking.  That would require too much effort from her.  She would much prefer to collect disability than try to better herself. Yes this attitude infuriates me and unfortunately I see it all too often.

Then case study number two is a classic case of can’t be alone with a twist of competitive spirit.  I catch her in weird little lies or half-truths a lot because I think a part of her is in competition with me.  She wants me to think she is getting a great apartment or a really great paying job or going back to school or getting married and buying a house with the current boyfriend, but none of it ever seems to actually happen. I do believe she could possibly be diagnosed with a personality disorder and not just simple laziness.  She asks for advice about the same things over and over, things that should be obvious to her by now.  She repeats the same relationship over and over, just a different guy each time.  Yet, when I point out the similarities she seems surprised at how right I am, but then still chooses to ignore all the red flags and continues to move forward.  Yes, she openly admits I am right but does nothing about it.  Then I don’t hear from her again for a while and randomly she will contact me and tell me how great everything is but it is over-the-top great and usually later I discover that its not as wonderful as she has made it out to be.  Some time will pass and she will contact me again to tell me problems and ask for more advice, often problems that are identical to past issues.  I will point out similarities again, she will agree and say she understands.  The next time we talk she will try to paint the picture that everything is great when I know it is not.  This cycle will repeat until the  guy cheats on her and the relationship dissolves and she is broken hearted, saying she is fool and frustrated that she invested so much time into another bad guy.  I just think, you didn’t have to invest all that time and effort if you would not have ignored the signs and listened to my advice the first time.

Maybe I am the crazy one for trying to advise these women over and over, but this is also why I chose to complete my education in counseling.  I want to learn ways to help people see the error in the way they think and confront themselves.  If you cannot be honest with yourself then you will not be able to be honest with anyone.  If you are not learning from past experiences and you find yourself in the same situation more than once, then it is time to seriously re-evaluate and make some hard changes.  Yes, I said hard.  It is never easy to make real change, especially when you have been doing things the same way for years.  But with real change comes real opportunity for real results.  I am not going to be a hand holding counselor.  I will confront you and challenge you to look at the ugliest parts of yourself and you may not like what you see.  You may not like me for forcing you to acknowledge those parts of yourself, but the truth is, we all have those parts of us.  The insecurities, shame, guilt and just feeling like a failure in some areas of life.  If you don’t confront those faults within your character you will never grow to your full potential.  A stagnant or immature soul is an unfulfilled soul which leads to unhappy relationships, depression and even suicide.

It may sound ironic but in order to be truly happy in your own skin you have to allow yourself to fully accept the dark, ugly, sad, scared, guilty, insecure and shameful parts of yourself.  With acceptance of where you are in that moment you can also commit to a plan for change but until then you cannot change what you refuse to admit is there.  Make sure with every experience you accept responsibility for your part in it and ask yourself what lessons are learned.  Then take those lessons and really apply them in the future.  That is a true sign of wisdom and maturity.

Surround yourself with people smarter than you so that you are always learning something because a day spent not learning something is a day wasted.

With wisdom, love and happiness

Stacy